Generally scared of what life is going to bring my way

Generally feeling anxious about where my life's headed and what happened between me and my signifusign other

Im feeling very anxious about my work life , where i feel like im not getting amywhere .

Someone needs help here

I have come to realize..everyone has a fake life that we potray ...and if you become real people tend to move out...why?

I am married man and am still attracted to my ex who is also married. We usually find ourselves texting each other like lots of dirty messages. We have not met since we live a bit far from each other. I know this is wrong but I can't stop. I am very sure when we meet we will have sex and that will make us feel ashamed deep inside our hearts.

Hatukuachana kwa ubaya. She happens to be older than me so we decided that since I cannot marry her, she is free to get married to someone else. So ulipata jamaa akamove on. I was glad she got someone too.

But here we are now. Texting texting texting.... I know tunakosea hapa.

I am in a relationship with this amazing guy. He treats me well really well, likes me and would definitely do anything for me. The thing is, after a few months of dating i realized i am not really attracted to him physically and personality wise. He is a bit of a pushover, would do anything to please people and it has become a big turn off. 

Also he can become needy at times, and too smothering. And trying to hold a conversation with him is seriously exhausting at times. 

At first when we started dating, I thought he was rare and different. Treated women right and was not an asshole, which is rare nowadays. But the same qualities that attracted me to him are the same that are a big turn off now.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like if I break up with him I am losing a gem while at the same time I feel like there's no deep connection and that I am not in a passionate, consuming kind of relationship.

How do I start? Since childhood, I have been made to think that I cannot make it in life due to my average academic performance. To make matters worse my younger sibling seems to be excelling in everything they do and this has really killed my morale. I no longer even want to see them let alone interact with them. I have considered suicide several times but I have never had the guts to go through with it.

The only day I look forward to are weekends since I get to meet up with friends to have a good time and forget about everything else. I have also vowed never to have children in my life. Too much negativity going on in the world.