Bonga

I don't know why i feel so empty ,tired and numb. It just comes suddenly and i end up pushing people away,i just don't want to tire people ,but at the same time i just feel nothing like everything is a routine and a cycle that just goes on. It's like my life is just blurry and i'm just existing,with no sort of control,i can't even recall the last time i was really happy,

I had a job in December and unfortunately it ended abruptly. I feel so down and so much is expected from me back at home. Am so stressed up now. Again am single I don't have anyone who I can talk to or even share with my problems. I feel like taking a breaking from all this but I have nowhere to go.

I suffer from schizo-affective bipolar. How can someone no mania is kicking in- this is my largest undoing. I almost lost my job when the mania kicked in, despite being among the best employees and following my medical prescription.

I hate my job. I haven't gotten a raise in 3 years. My salary comes late. Always in debt. My employer treats me badly. I'm afraid to go into business because I'm afraid of failure. I overthink problems. I have no savings. I have no idea where my next career move is. I don't have a solid love-life. It's really hard to get up in the morning. I feel alone. Disconnected.

I struggle with concetration, cant pay attention for long and always preffer times alone. What could this be?

It all started with my grandma passing away, she was everything to me. I lost my first love,my bestfriend and my biggest fun in her. I was messed up, cried myself to sleep while no one noticed( at 12 years).

My grandma was the first person I knew loved me for real, after her death I had to move in with my parents and my emotions were all over the place. They fought a lot and I remember wishing I dint exist because I was bullied at my new school and at home my parents kept fighting. I distance myself from everyone, I dint tell anyone my emotions and I yearned for the holidays to go see my grandpa because it gave me peace. Then grandpa remarried and our relationship got destroyed by the new wife, back at home I faced the pain of comparison in terms of beauty( it's common for dark skin ladies I guess). So I have selflove issues, insecurities, selfesteem issues. I have suicidal thoughts all the time, I hate being around people and I have random mood swings. I'm 22 right now but I have never dated due to fears. My normal days involve waking up and crying for no reason, feeling like everything is against me and college has been my worst journey so far due to my anti social behaviour. I sometimes wake up and decide to ghost everyone like switch my phone off and lock myself up. I no longer eat and I'm always worried, I overthink and I feel so unloved. I do not know why all this bitterness keeps pilling up, I just I want to be normal you know Have friends and live but I feel so suffocated by a million emotions. I told my mom I think I have depression and shes was like 'are you raising any family'. I desperately want to give my feelings a voice but I have no one one to listen, I guess that's why I'm here trying to share what I can. I just want to stop feeling hopeless and give life a trial, but why do I fall everytime I try. IM TIRED.

I have on occasion been thinking that my absence would be the solution to the turmoil I seem to be in. It seems like the answer to my parents not seeing a 'failed' individual they have educated. That they and many others will be OK, move on and forget me quickly. It hurts, may not seem right and they may not get it..but it beckons.