I don't know whether there is a person who might read this but if there is here I go, I have a problem with sharing my feeling,but bottling things up is not helping either, I am from a 4year relationship that's really taking a toll on me. A lot of people thought we were happy but there was so much emotion abuse that I kept hiding away that I eventually just kept pushing at the back of my mind. It would be as simple as I had time for calls and he chose when, and if I questioned at first it was silence treatment eventually I dealt with it , every fight was by then silence treatment but you overcome that's what you do, you tell yourself so many times your strong but now we progressed, I learnt his secret via a friend to that he was married, he went threatened the friend and the friend retracted his statement saying he was just into me and wanted us to break up, then I found photos which he made the person who had them up inclusive of his wife to pull them down, to date they are either in group photos on her page, which he described it as they broke up and the more I questioned the more he would be rude or tell me what don't I get, you know that fear of loosing someone so you kinder try to smile to show you let go of this, anyway I asked around about her and a lot of people said she seemingly just disappeared no one knew where she was. I saw her on Facebook I tried to talk to her she blocked me, I need closure I guess am not harassing someone, all I needed was to know are you together and I can get my stuff and go, fast forward I don't want to get boring, I managed to push people away, people he didn't like the ones I got were few so few that I can't find one to open up to cause they see really this stable beautiful, dramatic but beautiful relationship. We fought got back together, the one thing though it's wrong to say we used sex, I don't know whether am allowed to say this here, but yes we used that to get back together, but my every emotion hurt every time the pain I would push it at the back of my mind, so when things finally caught up to me I would have a joint, I would sleep like a baby and tomorrow I have work, am an entrepreneur so I don't have someone I bond over I sell things and bye bye customer, ironically, I have managed to be called the free psychiatrist since people come to me tell me their problems and I help solve them, clients comes tell me their distresses of un~functioning marriages, relationships and life and I magical make them feel better but I can share a page of my book of life relate and solve for them by telling them what I did, and best feeling seeing them back saying they tried it out and it worked, story for another day. So back to my everyday routine, I wake up stay in bed for an hour trying to push thoughts at the back of my mind plan my day and Wala a beautiful smile is up and to work, I can't complain about my life I live well, I own a cat now, before I got it life was lonelier I swear I could hear my heart beating sometimes. We started planning, we started filling the house he spoke well he spoke our future he told me how many kids he wanted us to have, he met my parents, shy of my dad but mum knows him, I don't know any of his side never thought I needed to he tried to make me meet them but at the back of my mind I kept asking myself can I match up to the previous woman or am I to be compared to her and they prefer her, mind running again sorry, we have a beautiful house together but one thing is a no touch zone his phone, or he thinks so, I have glasses so I can see at the corner of my eye thinking am looking forward,there are others not other others, some have called me in one of our fights after I told him I was leaving him but guy comes meets me with some story of his phone getting hacked and he was sorry tears and all take him back, running again damn sorry, we got back together because of that single phone call from a woman telling me to be weary of him we're many, now that I type that I really sound stupid in that, so some weird late night calls happen, mostly he doesn't pick them he claims they are work, and I can't blame him his work sometimes demands them, he creates time for me, we have date nights we meet everyday, but most annoying thing is he has a curfew in my house he leaves at 10 to sleep at his place when I question, here is the best answer I once got, you just moved and I have helped you move you need to enjoy yourself first on how one person feels to stay alone, one I really hated is I have to be close to work mind you we leave equal distance to work from his place to my place the work place is between us, I don't fight I swallow them, eventually but I air them too, am not one to allow myself to just take bull you know, now am confused about me, then why am I here, but anyway I tell him he starts the small punishments he now comes and we stay in the car when I tell him is he coming in he say he knows I will get pissed when he has to leave, let's just stay for 30 minutes then he leaves,so now that makes me stop questioning, things go back to normal for a while then I question again. We broke up two weeks ago after his supposedly ex wife was calling him and that's not even the reason, it was his response, when a phone is ringing the called id displays, but what I got was why are you snooping in my phone, my facial expression could tell it all, we were to get an Uber I chose to walk, he stalks me sometimes that's what that gets to me, he will drive by my business and know that I saw him, now he comes to say hi and ask how am doing, and I had a breakdown today after he just appeared with the same thing, am trying to heal but darn this one just keeps picking the scab. Keep in mind I helped one of my very few friends which btw I think have around 4 people just duped me of money, and I need a guide book to stop trusting people or helping out or something it cost me eventually either emotional turmoil or physical, If someone has one please share, I have changed all my routines to try and get a hang of things I took away everything his out of my house but the house reminds evey bit of him, wanted to move houses but my friend has duped me or deposit for a new house, and on top my old friend who now is more of a foe I helped her get a business next to mine and now she's slowly turning her shop into mine, darn I need to just get a hang of things mind you I got back with an ex of mine, who is diagnosed with cancer and I don't even know how to deal with it, he can go a day without talking and the next thing I don't know whether he is there or if I call his brother might pick and tell me devastating news, I can't tell him to go away am also kinder everything he has left too outside his family, what a world I guess, I have not gone out in a while am slowly falling to bad habits I take a joint a day and sleep around to try fill a void but it's not working. Instead am spreading myself and carrying more baggage inside. So that's me or slightly me I need a friend someone who doesn't judge me doesn't think I have my life so good they wonder why am complain, so if your there, I don't know how this works but we might meet one day and I can feel better crying on someone's shoulder that hiding in my house when things hit the rails.
Writing the whole thing is already therapeutic :)
You are a strong person👌.
I'd suggest you focus on your habits. Update them. Add new healthy ones.
Repeat them till they stick and luckily drive away the old ones from your system.013