Bonga

25 year old male. I'd been living with my sibling for 4 months on the promise that they'd help me change the trajectory of my life careerwise. My sibling has two residences. In the beginning they'd come over for the weekends but eventually stopped. With only a KCSE cert to my name in a family where the five of them have master's degrees, it was and still is, difficult to find a source of income. For four months I lived off of 500 a week. And even that stopped coming. My sibling has a best friend whom they Brag is like how child. Bought him a boda and I thought it would be my source some 300 daily so I'd not have to ask him for food money. Nope. Infact, he's take all the money, invite him over for the weekends where they'd have drinks and he'd force him to eat even when he'd already eaten. Yet I regularly went to bed hungry or I've had white porridge for dinner. They told me to find a cheaper house to move in since the current one cost 25k yet I was alone and with no income. I knew maybe this was the time that things would finally change. We had been planning a farming project that would be my source of income. But through analysis, told them that it would be most profitable in nakuru due to it's favorable temperatures for the crop. When a friend was in the area and offered to provide transport to move me to nakuru, I didn't think twice and moved. I concede that I made a mistake and didn't inform them and some things I moved with they'd intended to keep. Now their best friend informed me that my sibling reported the incident as a theft and now the police are involved and will supposedly arrest my friend and the vehicle we used. I'm no angel. I've had episodes of bad behavior. But I've always felt inferior when compared to my family. Depression and suicidal thoughts have been a part of me ever since I finished school 7 years ago. Even as I write this, I'm wondering whether this will be the note that they'll never find. At any time I expect either handcuffs or total lights out. I don't know what to tell them to assert my remorse for my actions then we can launch the farming project successfully. Maybe one day we will, or I'll be writing from jail, or I won't be writing at all. Adios.

  Published  31st Jul 2020 at 1:54 pm

Hi.It must be difficult not getting the full support from those you hold close, It`s normal to for the people we hope would be our support system to fail to be that. Is it possible for you to reach out for support to your other loved ones like your parents or even friends? You also mention suicidal thoughts.Kindly urgently reach out to a close hospital near you for medical intervention.Please feel free to write back

  Published  31st Jul 2020 at 9:23 pm

Hugs,it shall be well.🤗

  Published  3rd Aug 2020 at 1:05 am
Inuka Wellness ExpertInuka Wellness Kenya
Hello,  reading what you have shared it is clear that you are dealing with a lot and it can be overwhelming.  You seem to be dealing with an inferiority complex due to the fact that you only have a high school certificate while the rest of the family has masters,  there  is financial constraints, a feeling of being neglected , and now stress that you could be jailed,  all this can affect your mental well-being.  You have mentioned that this could be the letter your family members never see, we would like to point out that you are important and so is your life.  Kindly reach out for help to a mental health expert should this thoughts reoccur and try and have a support system around you. 
You have mentioned being remorseful for having moved without informing your brother and your concerns that this could affect a farming project that was due.  Maybe you could try and mend things between the two of you by reaching out and explaining what happened. 
As for feeling inferior because of your education level,  maybe try and remind yourself of your uniqueness and your strengths.  Also try and look around for people in the society who have succeeded in life despite not having degrees and such,  this might be a motivating factor that even you can still make a life for yourself. 
we wish you the best in your plans 
  Published  4th Aug 2020 at 9:59 am