Hello.... I have being into relationships where I meet someone maybe he has a crush or interested in me so I get into a relationship with him. Once we have had sex I ghost them or push them away through telling them bad things about me or sometimes I have a mental breakdown so sereve that they dont even bother with me again. So I end up okay for a few months then greatly depressed after 4 to 5 months and get so much into masturbating and porn. So why this has been happening I got the answer early February when I hit my head against the wall so had that I blacked out. The person who was with me told me I was shaking uncontrollably and crying so hard until he was about to take me to the hospital. I felt fine for a few days until some things started to happen. I started to remember some bad memories that happened wen I was younger like my abusive father beating my mum almost to death. One of the things I remembered was I was defiled by my brother who was in high school. I felt so bad about myself as why I have being doing this and blaming my exes for the damage. I felt guilty for having sex and masturbating so I push people away then I push people away. I didn't know that was because of sexual abuse. I felt bad and still feel bad for what I did to those exes. Now i don't know how to approach sex as a way of pleasure, then I only know how to pleasure myself which as for now its becoming an addiction and am scared of sex. When I feel stressed or angry I use porn to masturbate. It's becoming tough to stop coz I have so many relapses that am afraid that I won't be able to have sex again. Please help
You will be able to have sex again buddy, very good ones and lots of it. Maze saka therapy. Don't worry about sex for now, just seek therapy to deal your past issues first. Our approach to sex depends on our mental state. You can search for Befrienders Kenya. They'll come through for you.