Whenever I am sad or do something that disappoints someone I love I feel like it would be better if I disappeared and left their lives forever. I wouldn't do anything to myself but whenever I wake up when feeling like that I feel bad that I didn't pass away in my sleep...then try get through the day. Work distracts me, but at night when I'm alone with my thoughts, I feel everything I ran away from during the day. I turned to alcohol for a while, and it got worse when I lost someone close to me recently. I'd drink every night to sleep, and sometimes during the day. It got so bad to the point that I almost lost my closest friend. We made up but he asked me to go slow on the alcohol. That contributed to my decision to quit alcohol coz I can't bear losing any more people I love. ..especially over something I know I can control. I fear sharing my thoughts with anyone who knows coz they might judge me as well as the fact that I don't want them to worry about me but yeah...I guess I'll be coming here to get them off my chest..
I really want to congratulate you for not taking alcohol to relief emotions/pain; however, you seem to have stopped taking alcohol out of fear for you not to lose another friend. Foe this not to relapse, deliberately work out your emotions to stabilize to actions and feel proud about.