I don't even know where to begin... life usedto be good. my family and i lived the life everyone wanted until ofcourse, my father passed on. it's been so much since then. we had to change our lifestyle  completely, change areas, change friends... it's been so hard. the days we only had water in the house while faking everything is okay, "keeping up appearances". to me, it seemed that God putme in this earth as a punishment. i fought the thoughts for so long, so hard, because i have a family, and even that breaks me. if they were not here, i'd be dead and happy. life did get a bit better, we seemed to be able to stand on a good foot for a year or so... with some help from people, i hadn't even had the thoughts for nearly a year and a half... i felt, maybe i could live in this world. until lastmonth when things just went south again... and i've been crying my eyes out night by night... praying to thisloving God, that i don't want the thoughts to come back but ofcourse this god doesn't hear me. we got served a notice of eviction and have to move, again, and it seems the thoughts are moving back into their old home. im tired. i want to die. and even if this is a dream and it's false, when i wake up i will kill myself and make sure it doesn't happen in reality. but ofcourse, in a world that my family exists, dieing is not an option. it's a sad and beautiful existence. lol

3 replies

Peter J. Mbuga

Hi there, thanks for sharing in this forum and together we can share our burdens and that makes them lighter. When a father dies indeed many things change in life and it appears that your experience has been pretty bad but you have beaten every challenge so far though and I feel you can still beat any forthcoming challenges with the resilience you appear to have gained. You say you have a family; do you mean that you are married with children? As you say you are able to stand because you have a family and I believe this will continue to keep you strong. Please get in touch with me on so that we can continue this conversation in more detail.

Hi there, I have been in almost the same situation...even worse. I know it gets hard and you think God does not listen, but I bare you witness He does. Don't give up (it's even an option). You can let your situation make you loose hope, stop believing...

Sometimes I would  question God,.. I bet I almost gave up. Still God did not stop loving me and show himself in the most surprising ways. 

Remember we are all in a journey, sometimes it's hard other times harder. It's going to be a testimony one-day and you will encourage someone else to keep soldiering on.

Remember  God loves you(i know you might find that hard to believe right now), but He does. Hold on to that little faith that you got, little faith could move mountains. Pray and believe, it's going to be okay. 

Am not a counsellor,but I hope this helps. 

It makes perfect sense everything you are feeling. It sounds like you feel suffocated because you want a solution but nothing seems forthcoming. Looks like the life events you are experiencing right now have taken you back to when your father passed away and on top of that loss you had to deal with the loss of a lifestyle, multiple losses so to speak. Rightly as you have put it's a sad and beautiful existence. I can almost feel your pain and conflict through the words you have put down. Where is God when it hurts, a book by that title comes to mind. But you reaching out on this platform shows you want to fight on. I applaud your courage. And we humans are wired to fight with every little energy we have. It's okay to feel exhausted and wanting it to stop hurting, it's okay to cry and let the pain come out through your tears. Someone said tears are the detergent that cleanse a tired soul. Cry all you have to. It's perfectly okay. You have someone who believes you are brave and you will puddle through this.