To be clear I am the furthest from feeling suicidal, I cannot bring myself to a thought of harming myself let alone take my life.

But on the other hand, random thoughts about death, mortality, lifespan and the fragile nature of life just consume me especially before sleep.

I even stopped watching mainstream news because every death reported on television just turn on that switch, where I just sink in my own thought and think of death(not particularly my own, but the whole aspect of it in general).

I have buried two close friends(I'm only 22 btw) and that could be the reason because I don't particularly remember feeling thus way before my friend died last year.

The feeling is usually not sadness but just a paradox of life and death in the most abstract way, like what happens when I die, how will I handle the death of people even closer to me.

These thoughts aren't that common but when they flash I am left in a very unsettled state where I can't really point a finger to what I am experiencing, it's like a mental torture of sorts trying to grasp any meaning of life as whole.

I have picked some few gems in diverse philosophies around life, death and the meaning of life in general but an haunting thought that crosses my mind everytime I see or receive news of someone's death is like "That's it", and just turns up that voice in my head that is like: "A minute you are here and another you are not".

I am lucky enough because I don't mull over issues alot throughout most of my time because I can immerse myself into programming or tinkering with stuff and for most of it there is no constant reminder of that reality.

Are these thoughts normal though? Because I feel like they could blow up and consume me with fear of living itself, such that I am just holed up in my house 24/7.