Bonga

I do ask myself whether I've fucked up so bad to ever redeem myself.At 30 yrs of age n no kid of my own-no other time like now have I felt more scared of the future.I rarely date n when I do its superficial n it ends almost as quickly as it began.I get turned on by guys as well as women-mostly guys of which I am.I hate what av become-i acted on gay behaviors in lower primary and never again since. I live in a small secret n sufforcating bubble of fantacy n lies.I want a normal life-to be able to hold a normal relationship with a woman I can love but that seems like a pipe dream.growing up I didn't have many friends n I still don't and even such relationships I find profoundly difficult to maintain.Where n how do I begin to fight these stubborn gay thoughts or I'm I too far gone and doomed to a dismal and unhappy life.

I'm at a point in my life where I feel like nothing really gives me any satisfaction. I've tried a lot. I have days/weeks where I'm motivated and all then it all just hits me at once and I just keep thinking if it'll be so bad if I just ended it all. To everyone around me, I'm successful and happy and living my best life but at the moments when I'm alone, I just feel overwhelmed by everything and everyone. I'm not certain about a lot of things but I know one of these fine days, my demons will finally win.

I had a bad experience with my family from last year March. My wife began belittling me though i hustled so hard to maintain my family without a fixed income. I caught her on the phone with her relatives telling them that my son was a burden to her though I footed all the bills. She even told me point blank that I should go and date my campus classmates. To add insult she was involved with another man just for the fun of it, even exposing me to some STI. Just as I was planning on what to do about the problems in my family, she left My son in the hands of a female neighbor where he got scalded and succumbed to the injuries after 3 days in the hospital. Later she suggested we reconcile, but I was not interested.However our pastor and parents insisted I give her another chance and I bulged. Some months later I found her secretly using family planning tabs which she denied. She started driving a wedge btn me and my siblings and even my mum,so I let her be away from me than lose my sanity and relatives. I regret giving that second chance based on coercion. Furthermore the comments she made about my genitalia have adversely affected my sense of self-worth and it has been hard for me to have any serious relationship with any lady. 

What a life, especially that my misfortunes were brought by someone I loved from my heart and wanted to spend my life with? 

However, am posting this for someone who might be going through such hardships to free himself. Don't remain in relationships where love is one way:they will always hurt u. There is always someone out there who would want to be with u. Most of the hurt from relationships comes from your significant other believing u can't find someone else

I feel so alone, I just wish I had one person,one friend I could talk to, I feel so alone in my depression suicide just feels like a good solution to all this darkness

My husband suffers from mental health issues which makes me bottle up my thoughts etc and cannot be me-as I dont know how he will react to this-will it lead to a break down or an episode?He is now on one of his episodes and everyone in the house is on tenterhooks-he is not violent just has erratic behaviour -he had a stint at a psychiatric ward for a week earlier this year.But Covid seems to have taken him back a step.He was happy restrictions were easing and he go get a job then second wave came and he just started unraveling.I feel overwhelmed as it is hard being supportive to him as his mental issues sometimes make him paranoid of everyone and everything.Anyway I try my best to be there for him but it is scary as I dont know when he will get an episode.Right now he is very unstable,non violent but erratic behaviour.

I feel torn apart and broken in a way i have never felt before. I gave my trust to the love of my life who then turned around and chose someone else, i am trying to cope with the sadness i feel, however i am emotionally drained and mentally exhausted and most days i’d rather sit alone in thought than move. I need professioanl help, someone to talk to on this.

I am tired of blaming myself and quite frankly wanting someone who voluntarily walked away from me.

I feel like my life is falling apart, everything seems to be losing grip. It is driving me nuts. I won't have anything to me. I can't go on.. My very essence is sort of leaving me. I madly need help

So I've just come out from a 6 yr rltnshp. We have a kid. I came out of it due to his recent frequent abuse. Right now I feel so low and mentally unequipped to move on.

is there anyone here whose relationship with his/her siblings has been affected due to the big age difference between you ?