Bonga

I feel lost in my own skin...


I walk around not knowing why am here I have no real friends I have no one to really talk to...


Any one I deem worthy to share this burden with I feel as if they are judging me so I keep to myself I go to work commit to my work station and once my shift is over I go home...


I find some kind of solace in watching TV but there are days its hard and I just feel I shouldn't even be alive I feel useless and unwanted 

I don't even know where to begin... life usedto be good. my family and i lived the life everyone wanted until ofcourse, my father passed on. it's been so much since then. we had to change our lifestyle  completely, change areas, change friends... it's been so hard. the days we only had water in the house while faking everything is okay, "keeping up appearances". to me, it seemed that God putme in this earth as a punishment. i fought the thoughts for so long, so hard, because i have a family, and even that breaks me. if they were not here, i'd be dead and happy. life did get a bit better, we seemed to be able to stand on a good foot for a year or so... with some help from people, i hadn't even had the thoughts for nearly a year and a half... i felt, maybe i could live in this world. until lastmonth when things just went south again... and i've been crying my eyes out night by night... praying to thisloving God, that i don't want the thoughts to come back but ofcourse this god doesn't hear me. we got served a notice of eviction and have to move, again, and it seems the thoughts are moving back into their old home. im tired. i want to die. and even if this is a dream and it's false, when i wake up i will kill myself and make sure it doesn't happen in reality. but ofcourse, in a world that my family exists, dieing is not an option. it's a sad and beautiful existence. lol

So, Im not even sure if what I need to ask about is something I want to type here.So Im 28 and a half years old and always suspected my 'dad' isnt my real dad.This was confirmed a few days ago.I honestly dont know where to start on what I need to recollect becauce I feel like my persona all along was built on a lie both my "parents' built in my head.I was born  before my step dad(still feels so surreal calling him that )married my mom.But shes kept it a secret and lied to me for my whole life.I only found out by  mistake from a cousin who though I knew.Yes I shall be going for therapy next week to try work out all these emotions that Im feeling, but I am just wondering will the trust ever be rebuilt?Knowing someone lied to you for your whole existence (p.s my moms family thought she told me after i turned 18) I honestly just dont know if i will ever be able to trust her again.And side note my step dad and I and his family have never really had a cordial relationship, always felt like I just never belonged, plus I really dont look like anyone in my family.


Also my mums first born sister suspects my biological dad has been trying to reach out to know about me but my mom shut him off...I'm just really going through mixed emotions and need your opinions on what you would do if it were you in my shoes.

tbh I was in the same situation about 4 months ago.Truth is if you drop down and die of a stress related illness today, your job will continue tomorrow as if you never were there.I was hospitalized for depression in 2017 for 2 weeks and was in and out of hospital due to stress related illnesses every week after that until I realized, no amount of money in the world could buy my health back.It just was not worth me losing myself again due to the job.I am in no way advocating for you to walk out of your place of employment unless your sure your savings can last you 6months to 1 year before you get another job, but all I'm saying is its not worth losing your health /life trying to keep a job.The world still needs you here, that organization will not stop because you're not there.Love yourself, prioritize your health because you matter more than you can imagine.

Love and Light,

N.

I have been married for 10years. 7 of those years I have come across flirtatious texts and massages from m my partner  to other people.  I have NO trust in this relarionship.  The only thing keeping me in this marriage is my daughter.  For the past year I have turned to alcohol as my solace. This is because my partner is not happy with me going out or having friends. 

More to that, my job has been stressful.  I have a colleague who is dealing with a victim mentality and I wind up picking his slack. I even tried taking leave for a couple of days and the result was endless calls, texts and emails from my boss.  Every time I see her call and texts my heart sinks. 

I am  tired and I need help!!!

How do you deal with a boss who is always on your neck? Like every minute they want to find out if you have finished your tasks. If not they just want to pressure you straight to hell with threats. Like i just want to quit but I don’t have a fall back plan yet. 

Some help on this please. I’m frustrated

I had my first girlfriend when I was in 2nd year in campus. We were very deep into each other and intimate.  I caught her cheating on me and it hurt me very bad. I moved on and got another girlfriend but i realized I may not have recovered from the first cut and I was just hurting every girl I met

I took a hiatus of a couple of years and remained single and just focused on being my own

In totallity I have had only two serious relationship. Sadly the second one fell apart coz of 

Im now 30 and desire to find a lady who we can commit to starting a family. I fear though that i might be cheated on. It hurts that i put in my all in relationships but disappointed when its not reciprocated or worse cheating happens

can someone please help me on how to heal and move on


I have a serious addiction to porn and masterbation. i can go for a month without it but I always slip back. Its affected most of my relationships with my girlfriends.  Right now someone got hold of my nudes and is black mailing me. Honestly if they leaked I’d just kill myself. My family would be too disappointed in that I’d probably be better off dead. 

I have nothing to vent in, i don't like getting drunk... Just need something negative to do as a distraction from work then home

I have been married four years and have no children. My marriage is happy for the most part. The sex is good but I honestyl miss masturbating. It is not the same as sex and one does not replace the other. I had this conversation with my husband and he admited that he likes to masturbate in our bed after I fall asleep. Now that we both know we enjoy it, doing it together doesn't feel the same and doing it with persmission does not feel good either. I used to enjoy it when my husband comes late and I have time to enjoy myself infront of the Tv before he arrives. Is this normal? How can we put the fun back into it?