Bonga

Social distancing magnifies my loneliness. I have no one to talk to especially in this time of uncertainity.

my family has always treated me badly disrespect was a rite of passage in my family being beaten up all the time by my mom and ridicule.one time my brothers beat me up badly one of them injured my eye and the other one threw me from the top of the bed just because i had not bought gas i was in secondary school then and it was not the first time they were doing this.My mom supported them telling me stuff like you should not argue with men.when i went to university she used to tell me that i m proud because im in uni whenever i complained about the housework that it was too much she would dismiss me i would do all the work and my brothers just sat because they are men.during this. time my father retired and we discovered he had another wife any disagreement we would have she would blame me for her marital problems and i ruined her body because she had a c-section when she gave birth to me .i graduated but i have never got a job they disrespected me before now its worse they disrepect me so much my younger sister even had the nerve to want to beat me up but i stopped her everything i do is always bad to them they gossip about me alot i am trying to change my situation i know i will get out of this night mare soon and i will not be disrespected anymore

Why do I feel empty,a shell of who I was,never enough, I'm an only child,single parent, used to my parent's criticism, it has a huge toll on me my self esteem is low,I can't go anywhere without a hoodie because I feel protected when I've covered my head,but my family doesn't understand, they are all busy trying to make me something they want me to be,I try to be friendly but my walls are so high, emotions a foreign concept, I just want that friend who's not interested in getting into my pants,someone I can relate to,I want to feel happy without doing drugs,but it's so hard with the self loath I have

I don't know why i feel this way but every time my step dad is around it's like I can't be myself. I feel trapped. There is always this sudden rush of fear and an awkward tension between us. Our relationship is quite fragile, not the typical father-son relationship; those ones where the call just lasts not more than 10 seconds. Its gotten to an extent where i can even fear just taking a plate to the kitchen because he's around. We do not have any feud or anything. I just don't know why i feel this way , its scary.I'm 17.

I'm 33years old, I've dated a guy on and off for 11years.

In those ten years he cheated multiple times,was verbally abusive and it was horrible.

I forgave him through alot.

We have two kids together,a 6year old and a 3year old

He's an amazing dad.

In 2018 I found out he got someone pregnant and things just spiraled out if control

We broke up,I went into depression but I got out of it,started dating, having fun, living,gained weight,I was great

End if 2019,he came back,said he was sorry,wanted us to start afresh

I was skeptical but gave him a chance

He has changed,he is not the same guy he was

But the pain and bitterness lives in me

Especially with the constant reminder of his baby mama and a child involved

I keep bringing up the past n it's crazy

A few weeks back this chic brought her daughter to visit and they were all friendly acting normal like they hadn't almost destroyed my life,n I flipped

I raved ,ranted,threw stuff,n it was a disaster

Something beyond my character

I never knew I had that pain and anger inside me.

We aren't living together,so I left.

He text me later saying he's frustrated and done,he wants to just co parent.

N I feel.....

I have so much pain and anger bottled up in me that I don't know how I can even coparent with him

One moment we are talking about the future the boom hours later in a low moment it's I'm done.

I messed up,I take full responsibility,that was a horrible reaction, I'm still dealing with it.I didn't know I had so much bottled up in me.

Then I put myself in a situation where I wasn't ready trying to prove a point.

Was he just leading me on?

I'm I a game?

How could I allow this?

Do people really change?

Don't I deserve the same grace I gave him?

I don't know....

I was sexually assaulted by my cousin when I was like around 5 years. I can still recall the events of that day but my family doesn't know I do. I try to ask them about the details to see if I'm either hallucinating these events but they never seem to want to tell me the exact details.

Well... That's not my main concern, over time I have been catcalled, guys have touched me inappropriately, I'm doing my attachment right now and there are two men in my office who sexually harass me.

In each of these events I freeze. I am unable to breathe. I am unable to scream. Or fight. Then when it's all over I hate myself. I cry...

When I tell my friends or ask for help and I narrate to them what conspired... They tell me that by me keeping quiet... It seems like I'm bringing this on myself. Like I actually want to be sexual with these men...

Well... Thats all I wanted to say... just needed to get it off my chest...Bye

I tried to kill myself on Sunday night, I ended up with a bad injury on my leg. I am waiting to recover, cos I think I will try again when I get better.

My siblings don't even care that I tried to harm myself, no one has rung me to encourage me, not that I need it anyway.

I have battled depression for 17 years now, the last 8 have been worse. It has been worsened by alcohol, it makes me more depressed.

I survived an intentional overdose 4 years ago. Was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was being treated.

Last Sunday's episode was triggered by my birthday that will be tomorrow. I feel like I don't have enough time to turn myself into a success. It weighs me down. I am only turning 30, but that number in itself scares me to hell.

I stopped praying because I don't believe in God anymore. My life is in complete and utter ruins, Leaving this world is the only option that makes sense. People may scoff at mental health problems, but they don't know what people like go through.