AT THE VERGE OF GIVING UP...
Life is hard for me already.To start with I was diagnosed with Gbs (a life threatening nerve condition last year)you probably have heard of it. Its been a rough experience that I wouldn't wish to think about it and till now am not yet back to 💯% recovery.It has reached a point I have no interest in what life has and wish that it could end. Then again I'm jobless & without pay since March, I'm a teacher at a private school & to be honest life hasn't been easy. So when I say I'm at the verge of giving up that's why.
Have you ever reached a point you just sleep and never wake up? I have.
Not very sure I want to face the future.... I just want to sleep and never wake up
25 year old male. I'd been living with my sibling for 4 months on the promise that they'd help me change the trajectory of my life careerwise. My sibling has two residences. In the beginning they'd come over for the weekends but eventually stopped. With only a KCSE cert to my name in a family where the five of them have master's degrees, it was and still is, difficult to find a source of income. For four months I lived off of 500 a week. And even that stopped coming. My sibling has a best friend whom they Brag is like how child. Bought him a boda and I thought it would be my source some 300 daily so I'd not have to ask him for food money. Nope. Infact, he's take all the money, invite him over for the weekends where they'd have drinks and he'd force him to eat even when he'd already eaten. Yet I regularly went to bed hungry or I've had white porridge for dinner. They told me to find a cheaper house to move in since the current one cost 25k yet I was alone and with no income. I knew maybe this was the time that things would finally change. We had been planning a farming project that would be my source of income. But through analysis, told them that it would be most profitable in nakuru due to it's favorable temperatures for the crop. When a friend was in the area and offered to provide transport to move me to nakuru, I didn't think twice and moved. I concede that I made a mistake and didn't inform them and some things I moved with they'd intended to keep. Now their best friend informed me that my sibling reported the incident as a theft and now the police are involved and will supposedly arrest my friend and the vehicle we used. I'm no angel. I've had episodes of bad behavior. But I've always felt inferior when compared to my family. Depression and suicidal thoughts have been a part of me ever since I finished school 7 years ago. Even as I write this, I'm wondering whether this will be the note that they'll never find. At any time I expect either handcuffs or total lights out. I don't know what to tell them to assert my remorse for my actions then we can launch the farming project successfully. Maybe one day we will, or I'll be writing from jail, or I won't be writing at all. Adios.
Being in my mid 20s I thought it would be easy . I mean even if not matured enough I bet I have a view of the world it might not be a clear view but grown to have a relationship , a job or a hustle and perhaps a family of my own . no rush for a family though or a relationship because I cannot manage it. Am a bitter soul and I have never forgiven myself for trying and failing . I carry a lot , my family and siblings who never seem to care about anything . I mean they have their life to concentrate on but my heart carries each and everyone of them with weight until I forget my happiness . I grew up knowing men are in charge , they can beat women as my dad did to mum and even if he stopped long time ago the whole thing stuck in my brains . I get defensive around men . in my past two relationship the guys think am a mentally not okay because I would respond with bitterness not knowing that my anger is consuming me . just a little mess with a guy and I cannot control it . I could not therefore save my relationship and I blame myself for that .am angry at the world for , at men , at my siblings and the worst is am mad at myself am still in school . I hustle so hard to even pay for my school fees and to keep going . I always feel like just stopping and end the struggle . the few people I try telling what I go through they try showing me how small my problems are . I wish they were physical but they are mental and consume me like fire . the world seem to have closed its ears . I don't know who to talk to or to hear me but I have a lot within me and I don't know how to let go. It is more than I can hold ..
I have no emotions ,like love,empathy ,is it normal and am 28 n I have been that way all along
So I deleted WhatsApp because its giving me The worst anxiety... Been a few hours.. Now I think am ready... But I told myself two Weeks.. Minimum.... WHY IS MODERN LIFE COMPLICATED
I have a child and I stay with my parents. My baby daddy sends support but has never come physically at home neither talk to my parents on phone. I lied to my parents about his age +55 and I am in campus. Recently my mother ambushed me about baptism of my child. Personally I don't see the hurry but mum is overbearing. She didn't even ask whether I'd want the child to be baptized. She was just like "Tomorrow you have to go pick the baptisimal form." The baby daddy is like "no its too early." The past year I have been trying to please them both which took a toll on me. The baby baby is underweight I have constant headaches. How do I tell my mum no without causing a fracas ( if that is even possible.)
contacts to a therapist in nairobi?one who is available physically
I thought it was a usual way of life until I realized I'm the only one who hates my growing up...it was all sunshine until I was 11,,,I was basically a plump little girl,,,then hell was loose when I started maturing too early,,I had my periods at class 5,couldn't talk to my mom cz she's never talked about it to me,,my big sister was in boarding school, and she was really harsh,,so I had to check the wrapper for instructions on how to use a pad,(which I stole from my sister's things)...borrow those always books guide,,non of my friends could understand,cz they were all too young,,,I thought I was abnormal ,I stopped playing physical games when my breast suddenly popped up, the only girl in class 6 with breast,,shit,I was wearing a bra in class 6,,,a large bra to add to it...everyone used to stare...so I would wear so many tops ndani just to level my body,if you understand,I looked fat...😂...I couldn't ask my mom to buy me a bra..she bought me a boobtop..which I wore until ikakataa kufit ,with thousands of stitches...I became quite And distant,,,my self esteem went sooo low,every time I remember I wish I could hug the younger me and tell her how amazing she is,,,(I'm 20yrs right now)...I worked hard tu ndo niende boarding school in high school, so I could get away from the world,,,I had stopped going out,,,and only when necessary,,,and I did get a letter, to a boarding school, a national school, bt that didn't even matter...as long as it was a boarding school, and it is in that school that I got closer to God, that I had a chance to find me kidogo,,,I completed my highschool and joined campus,,dating was so new cz I was used to shutting everyone out,,everyone,,,bt I did have my first boyfriend, he was nice bt he was also lost and trying to find himself through drug addiction,,then my next boyfriend,,you know the trend in campus,,,I got pregnant,,had to get an abortion,had some complication..I recovered then broke up with the guy,,,and recovered, physically atleast,,,bt then it brought back all my childhood fears,,,it drained my self esteem,,I lost 15kgs,,,and I just realized Ive been in depression cz 5 months later, I still haven't regained my weight,,5 months later I'm scared to be by myself cz I'm scared of my thoughts....luckily I don't drink or smoke....too long bt it feels better after writing it
I don't want to be afraid of my own thoughts anymore,,