who came up with an open work space plan. Forcing us to have conversations with people who just want to stab you in the back. Its so had just walking into the office. Its like walking into a tailor made nightmare where the bunnies are all wolves in disguise. Why is this world so cruel? why isnt there a need to care any more? Sometimes you just want to walk onto the highway and get it over with.
How do you fill the void in the chest. No matter the alcohol I take the weed I smoke or eat I just can’t seem to fill this void in my chest. The more I smoke or drink the more I feel it. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I pray and at times I feel better but at times when I’m just by myself I feel like a cloud comes over me that removes all the color in my life. Conversations feel like small talk. everything is moving fast and I’m stuck on reverse like a guest in someone else’s life story.
I recently reflected how confident I was compared to nowadays. I nowadays dislike that human contact. I even totally deleted all the numbers in my phone book. I also lost my appetite to the point where sometimes I ate once every two days. I also tend to have very little sleep. I hate being the center of attention. Lastly I think of suicide a lot and have reached the point where I feel it is a matter of when but not if. I do feel that all this begun with a lot of deaths in the family. My career not taking of even though I am very well educated (Doctoral level). Sometimes even though I am happy I still tend to have these lows hitting me with a lot of suicidal fantasies. Something crazy is there was a day I was undergoing the aforementioned lows till I literally felt sharp pains in my chest.
I barely sleep anymore. Having constant nightmares of how my life is falling apart. Did the guy I met the other day just take advantage of me because am so gall able? Could he actually like this emotional mess of a sack that doesn't even understand how it feels? The worry that my employers might realize how impossible it is for me to have a conversation without snapping. Am angry and sad all the time. Its becoming so exhausting waking up. Its getting harder and harder to talk to people. Even if you try to explain what's happening they just think your being dramatic. Sometimes I think its just me who is paranoid and its all in my head. Sometimes its easier to embrace physical pain then be in this chaos. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to just do it. Will it ever end? Is there hope to be okay.