Bonga

who came up with an open work space plan. Forcing us to have conversations with people who just want to stab you in the back. Its so had just walking into the office. Its like walking into a tailor made nightmare where the bunnies are all wolves in disguise. Why is this world so cruel? why isnt there a need to care any more? Sometimes you just want to walk onto the highway and get it over with.

How do you fill the void in the chest. No matter the alcohol I take the weed I smoke or eat I just can’t seem to fill this void in my chest. The more I smoke or drink the more I feel it. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I pray and at times I feel better but at times when I’m just by myself I feel like a cloud comes over me that removes all the color in my life. Conversations feel like small talk. everything is moving fast and I’m stuck on reverse like a guest in someone else’s life story.

I recently reflected how confident I was compared to nowadays. I nowadays dislike that human contact. I even totally deleted all the numbers in my phone book. I also lost my appetite to the point where sometimes I ate once every two days. I also tend to have very little sleep. I hate being the center of attention. Lastly I think of suicide a lot and have reached the point where I feel it is a matter of when but not if. I do feel that all this begun with a lot of deaths in the family. My career not taking of even though I am very well educated (Doctoral level). Sometimes even though I am happy I still tend to have these lows hitting me with a lot of suicidal fantasies. Something crazy is there was a day I was undergoing the aforementioned lows till I literally felt sharp pains in my chest.

 I become selfdestructive whenever i am hurt, either by people or circumstances.And unlike normal people who actually go through the emotions, I tend to overdo things that will take my mind off the situation. I over watch, over-read novels, or engage in sexual stuff. I dont engage in problem solving activities that may prevent the situation from recurring. Do I need a psychologists? 
My parents bought a property in 1992 and we later discovered that there was a dispute in the property. Court cases have dragged on for years because seeking justice in Kenya is so expensive. We have twice run out of resources in the course of this battle. The old man who sold this property is alive but uncooperative, we have run out of the little we had and more is still required in order to complete the case. I now find myself at a very difficult position. I cannot afford anything.
I am jobless and so i have been trying business here and there. I once borrowed an M shwari loan of KES 6500 in June 2018 and was unable to repay it because a customer of mine dissappeared with a debt, and was later found dead in unclear cicumstances. I have been receiving notifications since but the message i received today shocked me. M shwari has threatened to refer my case to Debt collectors if i dont pay my debt of 7436.32 by 1st march 2020. What can i do? What will be my defense if the said debt collectors arrive?
I am always happy,energised, always showing up for people who need me, always doing the listening when others need to vent. But I never get that in return. Try being silent and people around you insist you are all moody and dramatic. No one takes you seriously. Every day I wake up to a new day exhausted. Its another day to try and act normal when normal is the last thing I am feeling. Another day to force a smile and laughter when deep down I am crashing. Another day to numb my feelings and show up for everyone else. The only place that knows what I really go through is my bed and my pillow cos of how salty it gets. I choke trying to scream out the pain , my throat hurts and my heart feels empty. I try to hang around people to cover my thoughts but reality is I am craving some alone time to break down. I love sleeping cos that is the only time I get not to feel, I am completely at peace. I try to be strong yet I am too weak emotionally. Its tough, its tiresome, its draining, its exhausting. 

I barely sleep anymore. Having constant nightmares of how my life is falling apart. Did the guy I met the other day just take advantage of me because am so gall able? Could he actually like this emotional mess of a sack that doesn't even understand how it feels? The worry that my employers might realize how impossible it is for me to have a conversation without snapping. Am angry and sad all the time. Its becoming so exhausting waking up. Its getting harder and harder to talk to people. Even if you try to explain what's happening they just think your being dramatic. Sometimes I think its just me who is paranoid and its all in my head. Sometimes its easier to embrace physical pain then be in this chaos. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to just do it. Will it ever end? Is there hope to be okay.

I always feel tired of life and have no idea why I find things tiring to do even the smallest task like cooking bathing I often break out into tears with no reason I don't enjoy many things I used to find enjoyable I stopped going to school because I just lacked motivation I fear going out because I'm afraid of meeting people and sometimes I'm afraid of what they think of me I usually get sudden attacks of guilt even when am not doing anything wrong i usually end up sleeping mostly all day to escape people and avoid interactions and sleep late at night so I can go through YouTube on certain days i feel energised and think tommorow I can do everything but as soon as tommorow reaches I get bored and all negative feelings come back to me and I feel deflated and end up staying in bed I cut off people from my life and ignore people for no apparent reasons but crave human contact I have low esteem it is like my life all it's purpose If you asked me I can not figure out why am like this can anyone tell me what is wrong with me?
My soul is exhausted, I’m tired of living, I keep tearing up even at work. I have no friends that I can freely open up to and share my predicaments with, my social life is non-existent. Life lost meaning eons ago and I’m in deep emotional and psychological pain, I seem not to be able to point to where the problem is. My girlfriend dumped me without notice and I’ve accused of infidelity. I wonder how I do that or where I get the strength to even perform the act of cheating. The labels I’ve been branded have scarred me. It’s really not worth living anymore, the one person that means the whole world to me, hasn’t said a thing to me for weeks. Feeling so helpless.