Bonga

i need help with my social life, i am high up on the offense when i feel under attack. i have anger issues i have never know kindness or being sensitive to other people. i am beginning to think that it is because with my father being always verbally abusive sometimes physically on my mom and sisters made me live life as a survivor . then i realise some people are soo different, they need a calm conversation but in an argument or accusation, i get very angry, mindless talking and rude i end up hurting the people that once helped me when i had difficulties. i am 27 and i am afraid because of the way i am i cannot make friends and i hurt people and it could get worse. i also feel like i lost all the little joy, kindness and happiness when i lost my niece to suicide in 2017. she was my everything, with her , my life was complete i did not need anyone else and my world fell apart when i lost her.i have never been able to grief and really move on since i was eager to see her off to college and be there for her as she grew into an amazing person. she was the light to my soul and now its just darkness i felt depressed and worthless and now my social life is a big mess and the fact that it hurts people i care about hurts me.

I'm 28 year old male with a master's degree, however, jobless, live with my mother, & can't contribute any help to the family. My relationship with my mother has deteriorated because it's very hard for me to live with at home (Previously I lived by myself). My siblings are doing well, however we don't talk much. My father is emotionally absent. My mother is always angry & talking / treating me like a 15 year old.

I've contemplated ending it once & for all.

It's Monday, 8:30 am. By now i should be on my way to school but I'm in bed and it feels so right, so comfortable, this is where i belong, not school. I hate that place. I have no friends there, no "real" friends. People who know me there just want to smoke and talk about girls, the lecturers treat you disrespectfully like you're a 21 year old child. I don't talk to anyone there nor do i have any interest in making friends because we're most probably not going to have similar interests or hobbies and I'll get bored and stop communicating, forever. That's what i do, i ghost people, even former friends,, the moment the friendship stops being useful.

I'll get up at 10am and visit my plug for my usual 2 joints of weed. I always tell myself i won't go there but that's a lie. I said I'd quit smoking, another lie.

By 11am I'll be back home. I smoke in the farm behind our house. My sister knows i smoke, she recognizes the smell, but we don't even talk so it's none of her business. She threatened to snitch on me so I'd go to rehab but she doesn't know the things i know about her, if i dared to snitch on her that would be the end of her, but I'm no snitch and so far she's doing a good job minding her business.

After getting high as a kite I'll chill and listen to music for an hour or 2. I'll change clothes so my dad thinks i went to school, and sleep to fast foward time to around 6pm.

We take our supper at 8pm. The table is very silent. Sometimes I'd smoke 2 or 3 puffs before supper just because. I ask my dad a random question about the political nonsense on tv and he gives the most direct, straight to the point answer, then silence again. Nobody asks the other how their day was, no small talk, just the tv talking. I wish my mom was here. Yes, we don't talk much when she's around either but atleast she normally has something to say about an ad she thinks doesn't make sense or a politician or something. I think about calling her but what do i say after hello?

I go to bed at 9 and check my phone for the first time all day. No calls as usual, few whatsapps from friends asking for favors, maybe a girl or 2 i fancy sends a "hey there" and is online but I'm not even excited to talk to them. "I'll reply to these tomorrow" i think, but i wont. I won't even open them. They're bothering me and i just want to sleep.

I have projects past deadline not submitted, i have cats coming up but i don't care. I was really hoping world war 3 kills us all before 2021 so i don't graduate with the lowest honours even though I'm very smart and everbody has high hopes for me. I decide to call my ex to distract myself from these thoughts. She understands me.

She doesn't pick up. Maybe it's because i was such a dick to her. I call my other ex, the friendlier one. She understands me. We talk for a while and she says she has a new boyfriend. My mind remakes all my previous memories and experiences with her but with the face of another dude. Disgusting. I make an obvious excuse that I'm tired and have to sleep. I delete both their numbers and a couple of other numbers i feel we don't have anything in common anymore.

Oh shit its 1am and i have a cat tomorrow?!!?! I haven't even studied. What's the point in doing it if I'm gonna fail anyways? Guess I'm sleeping in tomorrow as well

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Hi, i havent had a good nights sleep in months, i binge drink everyweeknd. I cant remember when i was ever trully happy like laughing a good honest laugh. When i drink with my friends i always make sure i blackout coz we'll end up looking for girls. I cant sleep with random, strangers its not me but my pals always bring gals over n i always avoid them. The thing is im not attracted to gals i dont know, i have this stupid idea that theres someone out there for me but i guess its a fools wish. I havent been in a rlshp in over 5 yrs. Im 33 now n ive not met anyone im attracted to. It hurts being lonely in crowds of random people. Drinking n doing drugs every weeknd a cycle that depresses me. There has to be more in life than booze. I admit im lonely but alcohol n fake friends is better than stayin at home alone

A few years ago my husband retired. We lived in the capital but after retirement he moved to our rural home and our son and I remained due to my work and our son's school. A few months after the move I started suspecting he was seeing someone else. I asked him and he denied. The person I suspected was working at our home. So she was many times there when I would go. Long story short he had been sleeping with her all these years - about 4 years now. Last week I went home and she was in the house and so I asked why she was there because normally she works outside. I was told in my face that he is now with her. I was so hurt broken I immediately returned to the capital. I feel a hurt ache that is calling for suicide but each time I feel ready to execute I remember our son and I stop. I am afraid I will end up doing it.

I'm a very nervous person but very few people know or seem to know

Growing up we moved to a new town to new school to new people. We were very young, I was joining class 2. I was fluent in my mother tounge but the school was mixed and the language allowed was Kiswahili or English so that was a challenge from the start. I had a lot of trouble getting things right in class or even with other kids. I got bullied and beaten by other kids and teachers in class. Plus being the eldest child and looking after my other siblings amidst all these figuring out stuff pushed me even more into anxiety and stress.

This pattern followed me into high school too till I even changed schools. I made few friends along the way some into my adult life now. I had a girlfriend in campus but I think she left me coz I was always asking her what she wanted to do and not just being a man and leading. Looking back I think the whole shift from the start launched me into anxiety. Till today I can't say I have confidence in number of things. I may look confident but it's not a lasting confidence. Some situations I have been made to defend my loved ones but failed. I have been left scorned and embarrassed. The few times I did manage to something right I have come out nervousness and always seeking approval from others on whether I did it right.

I don't know how to break away from this state. I want to have a girlfriend, a family and stand up for myself without feeling nervous. Someone help :(

What do you do when you still love the person who hurt you? Who broke you into so many tiny pieces and they don't even know it?

You continue living your life, normally. You still call like everything is okay. Sometimes I feel like you're messing with my head. But I don't want to be the crazy jealous ex girlfriend. I can remember those nights when you forced yourself on me. I can still feel your hands even after 5 fucking years, I can still feel them. when I see you with other girls, I don't fear for them, I envy them... I'm so confused and hurt that you could do this to me, to us. was there anything I ever did wrong? Did I deserve all this shit? I still think of you everyday. Why?? I haven't been able to date any other guys. You stole something from me that I can't find anywhere else... I want to die but I can't and it's scary that I'll live my life like this forever... I just want to go back in time... and never meet you...

Emptiness. That's what I feel. I feel empty. Like nothing. Like I'm just someone who's existing just because. Sometimes I get angry. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I just be. . . happy, I guess. The deeprooted issue is I feel underachieved. Like I'm not where I thought I'd be in a few years.

I know I'm depressed which is like the first step in getting better. Acknowledging the state you're in but it just hurts. It hurts so much. Being in constant war with yourself. With your damn mind. What's worse is that you have to pretend to the whole world that you're okay. That nothing's wrong with you.

Sometimes I just wish I'd just fall into a heavy dreamless sleep because I'm just tired of it all.

Suicide is not an option but as each day passes, I start to wonder if it is. Just one swipe of the blade on my wrists and it's all over.