Bonga

I lost my mentor, then my father, and then my better half, year after year after year. Turning 30 next week and I feel drained and broken in so many ways. Career wise, I feel like miles behind. Just wish I was 18 all over again, would have made better choices.

Ever felt like you're growing too fast and life is just hitting a little too fast and the world just doesn't want to acknowledge that wwhat you're going through is an actual problem? You just don't know what to do and it's depressing  coz you need to know you need to be in control 

I feel like I over do things but still feel like I am never enough for anyone. Lately this has been eating me up, making feel like I'm shit and that I don't deserve anything. I have been feeling like I am such a failure, even when my business is good and I'm even closing grand deals. Heck at 26 in even starting to secure my own beach house but no! I feel like literally everyone is better than me! I want out!

 

I hate being JUST average! I hate being that girl people assume all is well with her. I hate being me right now.

Im a eighteen  year old just fresh from high school. I struggled with the addiction of watching explicit content(porn and other wierd stuff that i consider better keeping to myself) on the internet and have just recently started recovering from it though not fully.I live a life of constant fear of a separation of my parents whiich looks bound to happen since for the past few years they have not been at peace with each other.This has resulted to me living a life of depression since most of the friends i completed high school with seem to be having the best life out there while i stay locked up in the house from morning till evening.I have always wanted to make friends who genuinely understand me but the problem is I suck at socializing with peapole and have been known to be an introvert to the blood.Sometimes i just get the urge of running away from home so i can start a new life but i know very well that is impossible 

I feel like im living through hell at the moment.Someone PLEASE help me find a solution that can turn my life around

 

Well, I guess sometimes it is important to tell your truth even if it's to random stranger's on the Internet.  To be honest, I do not even know if what I'm going through is depression, or maybe I am just at a point in my life where I no longer have the energy to do anything. Including breathing. The last couple of months have been a blur for me, I honestly believe my soul is dead and this shell of a body that I am working with is slowly decaying and my brain can no longer handle the pain. On the outside, my friends know me as a happy person, on the inside I am in a battle on ways to kill my decaying body because thats how it feels. I honestly do not have a reason for not being able to get out of bed most days or having to cry myself to sleep every night, all I know is that I want it to end. In any way possible even if it means I have to die. 

I just hit 30 this year but I struggle a lot with love,finances and my sexuality. I have everything going on for me. A good job that pays way better than my peers and anyone my age but I find myself at the same pit every month. I go on a spending spree, loan out my cash knowing it will never be returned or gift it to " my pals" who disappear when you ask for help. One weekend I spent 80k buying colognes and shoes for a friend then the rest on alcohol. 

My problem is I am not able to budget despite the fact that I have spare cash. Each week my side hustle gives me enough cash to spend and take care of my expenses while my day to day job guarantees me a safety net.

 

I feel numb when it comes to love. I have no feelings. 

 

With sexuality, I feel the pressure to be with someone and have kids and a future together but I live a lie. The image I present conflicts with my inner thoughts. I don't know how people will take me when I come out which I don't think I will.

 

HELP!!!!

I had a pretty rough childhood and Its affected me since...well it wasn't that bad and I was able to hide it and  just went with the flow you know being the good girl everyone wants me to be.But it got harder as the years went by and I couldn't continue ignoring the foreboding feeling in my gut that I was living a lie and so I guess that's When it really hit. I was fifteen at that time , that was last year and I kind of just withdrew, stopped spending time with people my grades went down so fast   and I just stopped communicating with people.During the holidays I would spend all my days in bed listening to music trying to block out the world and all the pain..the fact that my mum passed away and my dad didn't want anything to do with me just sucked a lot and I felt so worthless ...and then I was raped and that made me hate myself even more I couldn't face the world anymore and I couldn't tell anyone  about it cause  well they threatened me...and the pain just got too much and I started cutting and I can't stop..thats been my life for the past few months ..im now 16 , in form 3 at Kenya high school and I'm lost but the worst thing is that I can't tell anyone about it cause i dont trust anyone anymore...i don't know what to do, help me

I was raised partially with my mum... so there's 1-2-3 things she doesn't understand about me completely.
Because of that reason, all my life since Primary level I have witnessed her do petty things repeatedly in different occasions that don't please me untill collage was over. Today, she's doing the same things but this time round they hurt me so much that I often feel like maybe, just maybe I am not her real child or something like that. Its so painfull that I see no purpose in life.. all she does is hurt me. Most of my plans are failing here and there because she taks ill of them so I never progress in life. been stuck here for the longest! I can't talk more cuz it burns my head... very personal; internet cant give me a shoulder to lean on.

Anyway, I know, the most strong bond should be parent to child but I feel like am forcing myself on her. She doesn't care at all.... am that person when am sick, if am not consious is when people around will admit am sick. Been talking to few I trust but no one seem to care that deppression is eating me out.  Any help how to handle her?