Bonga

Everything about my life is wrong. I have suffered from depression for over 25 year, but I have always bounced back. I know how to make myself get better. 10 years ago, I lived abroad, was on a brilliant career path, had my life together, and was slowly developing myself. I was convinced to come back home, by family, and its all been downhill from there. Apart from getting a university degree, absolutely everything else has fallen apart. My common-law wife left me, cause she wanted a better life after I lost a major contract, and my reputation went downhill, I started a new business, started well, was courted by international press for creating an industrial gamechanger, worked hard to a point I used to sleep on the office floor to make sure that I kept delivering to my customers, but being in a highly regulated industry means that people noticed it was going well, so the cartels found us, and screwed us over big time, and now it is at failing point. I have saved my business many times, and now, its worn me out. I lack the will. I am ~50M in debt, my assets are nonexistent. KRA is coming after me with guns blazing. Creditors are coming after me. Regulators are coming after me, cause I haven't paid my professional fees in 3 years. My CRB status is beyond shit. I'm never going to get credit in Kenya again. Period. I have sold everything I own to salvage my life and business. That didn't work. I have fought in court, and lost, despite us being the right party for over 5 years. Cartels are everywhere, and they worked hard to destroy our chances. They even went as far as destroying our equipment, and despite filing numerous cases, and supplying evidence, they were thrown out. My lawyers told me to stop fighting, that it was a lost cause. I have been threatened. Cops, cartels, govt officials, everyone has thrown in a threat. My former friends love gossiping about how fucked up my life is. How I am a failure. I met someone. We hit it off brilliantly. She discovered I was broke, after I was outed by one of her successful jealous admirers who dug dirt on me, and left me for some rich Nigerian guy. I haven't had sex in nearly 6 years, and I am in my mid 30s. The closest sexual contact I have had in 6 years was a woman who groped me last week, while I was working. I smoke weed, to get high and sleep, but right now I am too broke, I can't afford a joint, meaning I have not slept in nearly 3 days. My living budget is 150 bob a day, for one meal. I have 400 bob left and have to make it last till the end of the month, somehow. I am not expecting any money. Eating poorly has left me with ulcers, and bleeding gums, and I can't even afford to see a doctor, so I have to tough it out. Thats been like that for nealrly 9 months. I used to read the Bible and pray daily, but I'm not sure God remembers me anymore, so I took a break from all that. I know I am a flawed human being, I do many wrong things, but this feels like a bad punishment. If I had money to buy a rope, I would probably have hanged myself, but I'm broke, and don't want to burden people anymore. I have asked for too many favours and can't afford to pay for my own funeral. I've been manipulated by family. I am at odds with my family who have chosen appearances over reality, and have pushed all my friends away, saying that they will affect my chances of getting married. As one might imagine, this isn't a priority for me, but my family wants to me to marry practically anyone, for society's sake. My father constantly reminds me that I am denying him grandchildren. My mother is just embarrassed by me. I trust absolutely noone. I have enough knives in my back to prove it. I am living in a never-ending nightmare. Except that I have a slim chance of emigrating once again, and slim means 1% chance, I would have ended it all, and that is still a possibility. Everything I touch seems to go bad. I hate my life. I absolutely hate everything about this country. Its toxic. Its the place where unhappiness and disaster finds me. I just want to leave Kenya which is nearly impossible, or kill myself. Those are my choices. WTF? This is my real life.

  1. I am 29 and I think I'm really getting late to marry. Unfortunately I think am a victime of getting wrong ladies. I get someone beautiful but her characters  are so poor, drinking daily and going for parties is there hobby. Even cooking at  home  is hard, some even prefer I buy food in a hotel so that we can eat instead of us just cooking. So I just find it hard to get committed to such kind of ladies. They cant be fit to be part of my family.

I am so depressed that i might amount to nothing in life. I moved back home and i dont even have the confidence, energy or motivation to look for a job. I am stressed and i think its affecting my health because there are times i just feel like fainting but it never happens. Only thing in my life is my family. Nothing else. No job, friends or love life

I am in a relationship with a man I love who lives in another town. He is emotionally unavailable sometimes and I found myself connecting with an another man. I have had sex with this man but we ended things. I just worry that my lust will come back. I love my boyboyfriend and will really try to work on us. The guilt just gets so heavy somesometimes because I also wonder if he has somebody else.

Hi there,

i don’t know where to start but I know something’s not right. I am not really motivated after to wake up each day as in there’s nothing that pulls me apart from the fact that it’s  the norm. I am not really happy, I have been out o work for awhile yet I am qualified and have been searching for awhile. There are people who do nothing and things go their way and her I just want the bare minimum..to be happy..but I am not. Very bad thoughts have crossed my mind but the only reason I haven’t gone through wit( them is coz of the impact it will have on my family and I don’t want to hurt them but most times I feel like there’s no point in life, I mean we are born, we live we die, it’s just a cycle so where would th problem be in cutting it short..I could be borderline depressed if not depressed.

Y

Great initiative Capital. Kudos.

I see lots of people who need help here. I run a mental health charity PDO kenya where we provide free services.     Www.pdokenya.org

Best wishes

It's almost like you have taken the words out of my head. This is my last week at my job - I'm a qualified scientist working at a racist institution who did their very best to frustrate my every effort - including giving me an unqualified foreign (not Chinese) boss. I feel so anxious  but I could not remain there being mistreated. I spend many days in bed ... and just depressed because of the harassment I encountered and that they can get away with what they have done.I think that I am border bipolar - and I just feel lost and ;isolated. 

I've suffered depression for years. Felt misunderstood, alone and always wrong. So i left my job as an advertising copywriter. Now, i need a job because the anxiety and feelings of worthlessness have made a home in me. I am lost

Raising 3 kids under 5 years  is not a joke. Especially when you are at the peak of your career and you are torn between having a family or just continue living your life. Anyway I made my decision and the best decision yet. I never new about postpartum depression until I faced it head on. The mixed feelings that are emotionally, spiritually and physically draining. The mood swings that can drive your thoughts up the wall. Fear of the unknown to the point you find it hard to pray thinking God has disowned you. But speaking about it and reaching out really helped to atleast get out of the constant thoughts that consume you to a point you don't know who you are anymore. Still healing. Still talking. Still here.