Bonga

Am honestly tired of crying,being sad and angry all the time in my life.The fact that am in lovee with a guy who honestly doesnt love me back he talks to me,sees me when its only convenient for him,How to i make him open up to tell me what he feels,so that i can get closure..it really sucks to keep hoping for something that might never be

(this is a long post) -Figuring yourself out is exhausting, especially when you don't feel like your in a safe environment to do so. I've been exploring my gender identity for about a year now, and while I don't wanna label myself with anything too specific, I do consider myself genderqueer and I use all pronouns. My best friend is the only person who knows this, no one else. I've been trying to experiment by wearing more androgynous clothing and changing my hairstyle but that's all I can do for now. My language doesn't have any pronouns like 'they/them' in English. only her/him. I am assigned female at birth, so I've been toying with the idea of people calling me 'him'(well, my best friend, since no one else knows) but the idea makes me feel kinda bad. I don't know how to describe it, but when I was younger I was more of a 'tomboy' and I didn't really like girl things. So I got bullied pretty badly for not being feminine. So I viewed me being masculine as a bad thing, and something to be ashemed of. So, having someone use 'he/him' for me makes me feel so conflicted because on one hand it makes me feel really happy(since I want people to use different pronouns for me), but it also makes me feel ashemed and brings back really nasty memories. 

Also, since I've identified as a girl for such a long period of my life and since I'm still being viewed and treated like a girl by everyone in my life, I can identity with a lot of stuff that women/girls go through, but I can't really identity with the issues men/boys have. And that really messes with my brain because I identify as a gender-non comforming person, but I'm still living as a girl. I want to experience life through the eyes of a genderqueer person, because that how I identify, but that not how the world sees me. I don't feel I'm in a safe environment, so I have to live and experience life as a girl. I dunno, it feels so complicated and tiring. Thanks for anyone who actually read all this. 

I feel trapped. As an adult living with my mum is hard. Being an only child means I'm the one to be sent around like like a small kid, my opinion doesn't matter, I think she assumes I'm stupid or something. I crave my own space soo much 😩 I can get my own place since I'm working but she makes it seems like she cannot survive without me, but I know she likes when I'm around so she can have someone pass her the remote or her phone.....it's not like she can't get these things herself but her being overweight makes her lazy to do even the simplest things. I know she can do it herself but maybe she does this to spite me and show me how worthless I am. I am socially awkward and I don't keep friendships......I just need my own space that's all. She keeps reminding me to get a child since I don't have one and I even don't have my shit together emotionally........even to maintain a relationship. My cousins all laugh at me and my situation in life. I hate them all.

What happened to night calls?.. People be sleeping like babies nowadays or what..

Or maybe y'all tired from work?

Or you just don't do calls?

Any night people left?

It's really Lonely at this time of the night Maze!

Nights this days is just bad for me because I stay up all night n sleep in the morning. N during the day I stay in bed all day.it has just been lazying around 24/7. At this point am just tired of sleeping n staying in bed but it's the only thing I want to do. My moods are off, I be feeling angry,mad,sad..

If only been happy could be easier....as in just be happy despite everything not going as planned... despite feeling stagnant and not knowing what the future holds

Fuck life, did it have to be this hard?!!!