Bonga

So I might have depression, or else i'm just a stupid teenager. Once I talked to a counsellor privately, she gave me her number, told me to call her and maybe she could help me somehow, but I'm so afraid to call her because I'm afraid that starting all this would break apart my family. I'm from a very religious family, everyone thinks that we are and expects us to be happy, but I feel like I'm breaking apart. If I told my parents how I really felt, I feel like they would really judge me, and our relationship would change. I feel like starting all this counselling shit would uncover a darker side of me that might be addicted to porn, a side of me that has considered suicide. A side of me that Ive never revealed to anyone. What would my siblings who look up to me think? I feel like every friend I have is fake, like I cant trust them, but I really need someone to confide in. I'm sad, I've lost interest in practically everything, and school seriously kills every part of me, it weighs me down so much that I cut myself. I have body image issues, so much that I have self diagnosed bulimia. I look for love in all the wrong places, even on the internet where I could seriously be predated on. I want to die. I want everything to stop.

I have feelings of depression that come and go, I'm no longer excited about doing anything. I'd rather stay indoors than go out because I don't like being around many people. I feel unappreciated by friends and family. I always come through for them but coming through for me seems like an uphill task. I don't get why I'm always being put last when I put others first, why im always rejected. I dont think I have any real friends. I've tried to tell people how I feel but some take it like it's a joke. Like how can you not want to be around people yet you have a job? My energy is getting less and less each day and some days I worry that I won't have the will to wake up and face life. 

I have anxiety issues. I get attacks every now and then and I'm overwhelmed at work. I really want to quit coz my job doesn't make me happy anymore. All ir does is drain me. But I can't quit coz I need the money to get by. 

I lost my mentor, then my father, and then my better half, year after year after year. Turning 30 next week and I feel drained and broken in so many ways. Career wise, I feel like miles behind. Just wish I was 18 all over again, would have made better choices.

Ever felt like you're growing too fast and life is just hitting a little too fast and the world just doesn't want to acknowledge that wwhat you're going through is an actual problem? You just don't know what to do and it's depressing  coz you need to know you need to be in control 

I feel like I over do things but still feel like I am never enough for anyone. Lately this has been eating me up, making feel like I'm shit and that I don't deserve anything. I have been feeling like I am such a failure, even when my business is good and I'm even closing grand deals. Heck at 26 in even starting to secure my own beach house but no! I feel like literally everyone is better than me! I want out!

 

I hate being JUST average! I hate being that girl people assume all is well with her. I hate being me right now.

Im a eighteen  year old just fresh from high school. I struggled with the addiction of watching explicit content(porn and other wierd stuff that i consider better keeping to myself) on the internet and have just recently started recovering from it though not fully.I live a life of constant fear of a separation of my parents whiich looks bound to happen since for the past few years they have not been at peace with each other.This has resulted to me living a life of depression since most of the friends i completed high school with seem to be having the best life out there while i stay locked up in the house from morning till evening.I have always wanted to make friends who genuinely understand me but the problem is I suck at socializing with peapole and have been known to be an introvert to the blood.Sometimes i just get the urge of running away from home so i can start a new life but i know very well that is impossible 

I feel like im living through hell at the moment.Someone PLEASE help me find a solution that can turn my life around

 

Well, I guess sometimes it is important to tell your truth even if it's to random stranger's on the Internet.  To be honest, I do not even know if what I'm going through is depression, or maybe I am just at a point in my life where I no longer have the energy to do anything. Including breathing. The last couple of months have been a blur for me, I honestly believe my soul is dead and this shell of a body that I am working with is slowly decaying and my brain can no longer handle the pain. On the outside, my friends know me as a happy person, on the inside I am in a battle on ways to kill my decaying body because thats how it feels. I honestly do not have a reason for not being able to get out of bed most days or having to cry myself to sleep every night, all I know is that I want it to end. In any way possible even if it means I have to die. 

I just hit 30 this year but I struggle a lot with love,finances and my sexuality. I have everything going on for me. A good job that pays way better than my peers and anyone my age but I find myself at the same pit every month. I go on a spending spree, loan out my cash knowing it will never be returned or gift it to " my pals" who disappear when you ask for help. One weekend I spent 80k buying colognes and shoes for a friend then the rest on alcohol. 

My problem is I am not able to budget despite the fact that I have spare cash. Each week my side hustle gives me enough cash to spend and take care of my expenses while my day to day job guarantees me a safety net.

 

I feel numb when it comes to love. I have no feelings. 

 

With sexuality, I feel the pressure to be with someone and have kids and a future together but I live a lie. The image I present conflicts with my inner thoughts. I don't know how people will take me when I come out which I don't think I will.

 

HELP!!!!