I just hit 30 this year but I struggle a lot with love,finances and my sexuality. I have everything going on for me. A good job that pays way better than my peers and anyone my age but I find myself at the same pit every month. I go on a spending spree, loan out my cash knowing it will never be returned or gift it to " my pals" who disappear when you ask for help. One weekend I spent 80k buying colognes and shoes for a friend then the rest on alcohol.
My problem is I am not able to budget despite the fact that I have spare cash. Each week my side hustle gives me enough cash to spend and take care of my expenses while my day to day job guarantees me a safety net.
I feel numb when it comes to love. I have no feelings.
With sexuality, I feel the pressure to be with someone and have kids and a future together but I live a lie. The image I present conflicts with my inner thoughts. I don't know how people will take me when I come out which I don't think I will.
Hi. From your story, the spending on your friends is a cooing mechanism, you use the money to numb your pain, and to ensure that questions are not raised on things you feel most insecure about. I.e your sexuality.
Take time to talk to psychotherapist, and comes to terms with your sexuality, then the other problems will seemingly sort themselves out. All the best.
Also, try spending time with people that triggers your feelings be it positive or negative.You'll learn with time that its whohas blocked yourself from Love.
Honey, you only got one life to live on this earth. Please dont waste it with people who dont give a damn about you. and please dont spend a dime on them. If you cant count on them when you need them, then let them piss off. I used to be in your exact position, earning well but having some full of shit friends, confused about my sexuality. Let me start with the friends, you DO NOT need a tens of friends to feel loved. You are enough. Just the way you are. If you have one honest to God friend, thats enough. forget the rest. Also, check out some youtube tutorials on how to save and invest. That could be very helpful for your future.
Now, On sexuality. You are probably not going to believe this, but i prayed about it. I asked God to either make me okay and content with being a lesbian or to take it away completely. And he heard me. I dont know how but one day i was insanely in love with a man (although he later broke my heart, sucker!) but to date i do not have the desire to be with a woman. He who the son sets free is free indeed. I belive that anything that is a gift from God should bring you joy and not guilt or fear or shame. I am not homophobic and i will never bash anyone for loving who they love. So i tell you this from a place of love because i have been there.
All the best,
I do hope that you will realize at one point in your life that all these people your spending money on are not your friends.. It will hit you hard but it will be a learning curve for you..
As the other people commented, you have one life to live, do not try to impress anyone while at the same time deny your self to be your true self.
As for your sexuality,,, Dont feel shy to open up to yourself and embrace who you trully are. Its not going to be a walk in the park, but trust you me it will be worthwhile in the long run.Rome was not built in one day...
Try budget your finances well for a better future. You may have all this now but maybe later all this may be gone like dust with the wind..