Bonga

Being in my mid 20s I thought it would be easy . I mean even if not matured enough I bet I have a view of the world it might not be a clear view but grown to have a relationship , a job or a hustle and perhaps a family of my own . no rush for a family though or a relationship because I cannot manage it. Am a bitter soul and I have never forgiven myself for trying and failing . I carry a lot , my family and siblings who never seem to care about anything . I mean they have their life to concentrate on but my heart carries each and everyone of them with weight until I forget my happiness . I grew up knowing men are in charge , they can beat women as my dad did to mum and even if he stopped long time ago the whole thing stuck in my brains . I get defensive around men . in my past two relationship the guys think am a mentally not okay because I would respond with bitterness not knowing that my anger is consuming me . just a little mess with a guy and I cannot control it . I could not therefore save my relationship and I blame myself for that .am angry at the world for , at men , at my siblings and the worst is am mad at myself am still in school . I hustle so hard to even pay for my school fees and to keep going . I always feel like just stopping and end the struggle . the few people I try telling what I go through they try showing me how small my problems are . I wish they were physical but they are mental and consume me like fire . the world seem to have closed its ears . I don't know who to talk to or to hear me but I have a lot within me and I don't know how to let go. It is more than I can hold ..

  Published  31st Jul 2020 at 11:46 am

This is a great thought and powerful.

  Published  31st Jul 2020 at 8:52 pm

Daniel – USIU Clinical psychology student

Hey guy! Thank you for reaching out concerning your emotional feelings. It’s normal to feel like this your early adulthood though it’s not easy at mind 20s. I appreciate your courage to share your secret feelings. You are doing great for being aware that you have grown to a stage of having a lasting relationship, a job and to hustle for a family that is yours. This is a great thought and powerful. Yet, I am wondering if you are the first born in your family sibling linage. The first born carry the burden of other sibling and its normal to be responsible and concerned about others. However, you need to be aware on when to keep your boundary. Otherwise it’s you who will suffer if you carry the burden of every other siblings’ who do not care about anything including your feelings. May be you need to consider discontinuing carrying the burden of others and attend to what you can without affecting your emotions. Have own self-care to heal from the biter emotions and encourage yourself to see the positive side of your successes then you cane be able to help others where necessary and able. Remember they have their own life and do not understand if suffer about them, also you may psych-educate your sibling to be caring and responsible.  

I hear that you don’t what to rush into relationship and own family because you feel that you cannot manage at the moment. I agree with you that it’s important to plan yourself, and remembrance that you are still in school. Yet, it’s significant to have a conscious relationship where you have an honest talk with your partner on what you want in a relationship. In mind 20s, it’s the stage of making a lasting relationship that lead to a future family relationship.  

I hear that dad used to beat your mum. This domestic violence that you witnessed is what stack in your brain and causing anger emotions towards men. You need to reverse the defensiveness around men by telling yourself that “it’s not all men that are violence”. Look around and evaluation a family you know without issues of violence that you admire. Then imagine having such a warm relationship and a family. Convince yourself and trust that you can have such a warm relationship with a man. Persuade yourself now that you are aware of yourself and the triggers that lead to reactions towards men and consuming anger.  Look for a counsellor to talk to, will understand you and walk the journey to reverse your feeling or a close friend that you trust and can share with your feeling. Once you talk your feeling out, it will all manage your burning feelings. You have the potential to work it out that feeling. One encouraging thing, is that you have the ability to make a relationship. You should always remember that you managed to make two relationships with male partners which means that you have the ability to make a relationship. It only requires of to work it out now that you have the knowledge of what caused you to behave the way you behave towards your sibling and men.  I wish that this will help you. Don’t estate to reach out to us for any further need.

  Published  31st Jul 2020 at 9:50 pm

Thank you so much .

  Published  2nd Aug 2020 at 8:56 pm

Daniel- USIU psychology student

Hallo there!! Thank you for reaching out again and clarifying the reason for delete of WhatsApp and why it’s giving you the worst anxiety. WhatsApp is a way of digital social communication. The same way the very people you fear to communicate some information over the medium may do it verbally. The best is to train yourself to have resilient over such. Then you develop self-care to attend to what you can and leave the untenable.

The advantage of WhatsApp communication is that it’s easier at any place to communicate your views and vise vasa. The modern way of communications is here with us to stay, and you need to adjust yourself to advantages, being aware as well as conscious of its disadvantages. It’s good to block the communication gargets of those who you may consider to communicate issues of unnecessary anxiety.

Yet, feeling anxious of some issues is normal and a part of our life. It’s not all anxieties that are negative. Some anxieties are positive and good for our mental and physical health. The difference is the ability to avoid unnecessary WhatsApp that cause anxiety. The messages communicated via any media are observed by the recipient to fit the ability to action on response. If the news are good or band it’s the recipient supposed to process and deal with it mentally because the same can be communicated verbally and the effect is the same. You need to condition yourself to huddle such. Social media will only be a problem where it consumes your time affecting other aspects of your life and this is what you need to avoid not to suffer media addiction.  

  Published  4th Aug 2020 at 3:13 pm