I feel that I'm changing
Parts of me are dying and I'm getting into a new phase of my life, maybe I've been here and never realised it
I feel alone yet I'm not
I feel lonely because I'll never know companionship like other people do
Some parts of me I hate, but I could never be another sleeper
The mortal world is grey, red, black, golden and blue but never white
You have a beautiful way of describing what you are going through. Change is scary especially when you don't know what will come next. I hope you can find the courage to face each day as it comes. May you find the strength to show up always.
Earth is hard, but hiyo tu ndio iko!
I realize now that life is for the living, it is meant to be enjoyed and not necessarily understood (that will come with time and experience). Stop trying to figure everything out, you'll just drive yourself crazy if you do, instead embrace the changes you are feeling- they may be the answer to that question you don't even know you are asking.
As for the matrix we are in, it is enough that you know so that you can change that which you can and accept those you cannot. Do not rob yourself of joy because of an elephant you cannot remove from the room