Bonga

(this is a long post) -Figuring yourself out is exhausting, especially when you don't feel like your in a safe environment to do so. I've been exploring my gender identity for about a year now, and while I don't wanna label myself with anything too specific, I do consider myself genderqueer and I use all pronouns. My best friend is the only person who knows this, no one else. I've been trying to experiment by wearing more androgynous clothing and changing my hairstyle but that's all I can do for now. My language doesn't have any pronouns like 'they/them' in English. only her/him. I am assigned female at birth, so I've been toying with the idea of people calling me 'him'(well, my best friend, since no one else knows) but the idea makes me feel kinda bad. I don't know how to describe it, but when I was younger I was more of a 'tomboy' and I didn't really like girl things. So I got bullied pretty badly for not being feminine. So I viewed me being masculine as a bad thing, and something to be ashemed of. So, having someone use 'he/him' for me makes me feel so conflicted because on one hand it makes me feel really happy(since I want people to use different pronouns for me), but it also makes me feel ashemed and brings back really nasty memories. 

Also, since I've identified as a girl for such a long period of my life and since I'm still being viewed and treated like a girl by everyone in my life, I can identity with a lot of stuff that women/girls go through, but I can't really identity with the issues men/boys have. And that really messes with my brain because I identify as a gender-non comforming person, but I'm still living as a girl. I want to experience life through the eyes of a genderqueer person, because that how I identify, but that not how the world sees me. I don't feel I'm in a safe environment, so I have to live and experience life as a girl. I dunno, it feels so complicated and tiring. Thanks for anyone who actually read all this. 

  Published  2nd Oct 2021 at 5:47 pm

Hello there. Thank you for sharing. Damn, it must be very hard trying to navigate this new identity but I think you're on the right track to being comfortable in it and seeing things from queer lens. With you living as a girl and living in a society that doesn't understand queer, I think you've made a significant progress in one year. My advice would be to continue exploring the conflicting feelings, examine them, and reaffirm to yourself that you feel most comfortable being yourself, that, your queer self. You really have a great friend in your best friend. I also think you should consider interacting with other queer people. They might be very visible but I know they are there. I believe they can you sail through your new journey. Cheers.

  Published  3rd Oct 2021 at 8:24 am