Bonga

Hello. So I'll get straight to the point: I want to kill myself. I know. Join the crowd and all that, but it's really getting to the point where it's the only option. I mean, how much can a person really take? What's the fucking point in holding on to an invisible string of hope that's not there in the first place. Cutting myself isn't really doing the trick anymore. Too many questions, too many looks. Plus, I'm kind of running out of places to actually cut, so it's off the table. Can't say it hasn't served me well. It has.

However, there comes a time when all the resentment, anger, pain and unforgiveness fucking explodes and you find yourself spiraling because what's the fucking point? To any of it. To life and all its fairness and unfairness. To waking up and going through all the motions you're used to and going back to bed. Wash. Rinse. Fucking repeat.

I've thought about it carefully and it's either I die or I go fucking mental and actually become insane. Both options suck but that's what you get when decades of trauma pile up and finally become way too heavy and large to compress. Now, onto methods. There are many ways, but I've narrowed it down to four. First one is the good ol' slitted wrists. Too messy, too painful, too bloody, and I might actually survive, who fucking knows. So, that's ruled out.

Second is hanging, but that would raise too much suspicion—my mom's very inquisitive and would like immediately know, so that's ruled out too. Jumping? Not ideal, plus, I'm a fucking coward and fear pain, so that's ruled out too. I think the only one that works is OD'ing. I mean, I can get pills easily and maybe I'll be gone before the sun rises or sets without causing too much hassle.

I know I'm depressed, hard not to when it's been your life for years. I know someone will probably reply and say that your life is important and you're needed in this world and I truly appreciate that. Like, honestly, you fucking rock, and the world really is a better place with people like you. I often get asked—by people who know my situation—what's it like being depressed? Is it being sad all the time and angry at the world for failing you? Usually, I just nod and say yeah, that's exactly what it is and it satiates them and then I get a barrage of solutions or my favorite, the 'suck it up and be an adult speech.' Truthfully, being depressed—at least according to me—is like being stuck in a dark, very bad, high-crime-monsters-and-ghouls-in-every-corner neighborhood. And I'm talking the worst of the worst, like people getting murdered or maimed behind you as you walk or run in this neighborhood, trying to find refuge. But it's not there. You can't find it. People are getting murdered around you, buildings are being burnt down, and you just want to find a safe corner and curl up and protect yourself. But you're not that lucky, so you keep on running in this never-ending loop, in this bad neighborhood, and you never know when you're going to be a casualty.

So, yeah. I guess that's that. I tried my best, you know, gave it a good run. I'm more mad at myself than anything, I mean, suicide, really? Taking the easy way out is weak as fuck. My mom's actually the only person I feel bad for if this thing works out. She's going to be sad and upset and blame herself and... But yeah, it'll all pass. She'll see that it was for the best, my siblings will be there and for her, and maybe she'll forgive me someday. Yeah, I guess I just wanted to write it out and let it out, you know? Good ol' trauma dumping.

–B

P.s: I actually proofread this entire thing. Fucked up and weird, I know.

1 reply

trust me you are valid in all you have said , why do you feel this way , what challenges are you facing , Killing yourself will only cause so much pain for the ones who love you , and believe me you there is someone who loves you so much and the pain your mom will go through I can even imagine

Life can be hard , I have been there , I constantly feel like I'm a prison and I want out , everything bores me but somehow I have learned a number of things that help me cope and I'm better off now than I was a couple of years back

I'm still on my journey to healing all the trauma I have gone through . I would recommend to start asking for help from a therapist and please I say an actual therapist

the future is exciting even though it might not feel that way , what are the things that light up your world , I would recommend to find this , what are you passions and dream

they are worth it

please do not kill yourself