Bonga

I thought it was a usual way of life until I realized I'm the only one who hates my growing up...it was all sunshine until I was 11,,,I was basically a plump little girl,,,then hell was loose when I started maturing too early,,I had my periods at class 5,couldn't talk to my mom cz she's never talked about it to me,,my big sister was in boarding school, and she was really harsh,,so I had to check the wrapper for instructions on how to use a pad,(which I stole from my sister's things)...borrow those always books guide,,non of my friends could understand,cz they were all too young,,,I thought I was abnormal ,I stopped playing physical games when my breast suddenly popped up, the only girl in class 6 with breast,,shit,I was wearing a bra in class 6,,,a large bra to add to it...everyone used to stare...so I would wear so many tops ndani just to level my body,if you understand,I looked fat...ūüėā...I couldn't ask my mom to buy me a bra..she bought me a boobtop..which I wore until ikakataa kufit ,with thousands of stitches...I became quite And distant,,,my self esteem went sooo low,every time I remember I wish I could hug the younger me and tell her how amazing she is,,,(I'm 20yrs right now)...I worked hard tu ndo niende boarding school in high school, so I could get away from the world,,,I had stopped going out,,,and only when necessary,,,and I did get a letter, to a boarding school, a national school, bt that didn't even matter...as long as it was a boarding school, and it is in that school that I got closer to God, that I had a chance to find me kidogo,,,I completed my highschool and joined campus,,dating was so new cz I was used to shutting everyone out,,everyone,,,bt I did have my first boyfriend, he was nice bt he was also lost and trying to find himself through drug addiction,,then my next boyfriend,,you know the trend in campus,,,I got pregnant,,had to get an abortion,had some complication..I recovered then broke up with the guy,,,and recovered, physically atleast,,,bt then it brought back all my childhood fears,,,it drained my self esteem,,I lost 15kgs,,,and I just realized Ive been in depression cz 5 months later, I still haven't regained my weight,,5 months later I'm scared to be by myself cz I'm scared of my thoughts....luckily I don't drink or smoke....too long bt it feels better after writing it

  Published  29th Jul 2020 at 9:11 pm
samuel kioiUSIU clinical psychologist student
I wish to thank you for accepting to share your life experiences with Bonga platform. I feel you over your journey as an adolescent who was lacked adequate social and emotional support from parent and family despite early adolescence menace. This seems to remain an unresolved issue and its important you discuss the matter with your parent or seek services of a therapist for a closure. As you stated, there were both social  and emotional changes that overwhelmed your development to adulthood. You need not to remain at that point of being so sensitive  and self conscious to your emotions but rather make up a decision to move on.
Even if you’ve experienced  failed relationships in the past or struggled before to rekindle the fires of romance in your current relationship, you can learn to stay connected, find fulfillment, and enjoy lasting happiness by making a commitment and sharing a common goal. Every relationship is unique and the secret is how you connect socially,emotionally, physically, financially and how you share your time.
Its normal to feel the loss through the abortion. It can cause grief and sense of denial,low self-esteem,feeling unable to cope, feeling there is little support and feeling stigmatised or unable to tell others.Its important to accept what happened, forgive yourself and develop coping mechanism/ resilience over the matter. I gynecologist can evaluate your ability to bear a child and offer medical solution to your worry. Therapy can also help you to walk over the loss. 


  Published  30th Jul 2020 at 8:43 am
Inuka Wellness ExpertInuka Wellness Kenya
Hello, you are beautiful no matter what size or shape your body is, that being said you have been through a lot and it is commendable that you are self aware enough to know all this. There is self esteem,  a not so ideal parent child relationship, depression and avoidance of your own thoughts.  Dealing with all this at once might be difficult but you could approach it one at a time. 
Maybe start with why you are avoiding your thoughts.  Could it have anything to do with having an abortion?  Morn the loss of that child and forgive yourself in case you feel guilty for the decision that you made,  it was probably not easy but you had your reasons.  Try and heal. If the thoughts are because of how your body has changed,  you have mentioned losing 5 kgs,  challenge whatever negative thoughts you might have about your body image.  Remind yourself that you are not your body and that you are beautiful. You have mentioned being depressed,  talk to someone trustworthy about your thoughts and if it gets too hard seek the help of a mental health expert. Take care of yourself, eat right,  exercise,  engage in something you find enjoyable,  take breaks to recharge 
We hope this helps you get started on a journey towards healing 
  Published