I nursed my dad when he was suffering from cancer and he passed on right before me.I was strong for my siblings and expressed little emotions .The worst part that hits me most is washing him and seeing him naked and at his weakest moment,i have tried deleting the images in my mind but i have failed.I started finding it difficult to sleep at night so i smoked some weed every night and it helped sleep but that took a tall on my wife because i gave her little attention and developed a don't care attitude.
I also took at least two beers in the evening before going home and occasionally chewed ghat in the afternoon at work to keep me awake.
I realized I was loosing my family so i decided to quit all drugs and alcohol but the night mares and backache that hit me i couldn't manage so i went back but eliminated bhang completely for the last four months and the backache disappeared too.
I still have crazy nightmares that i don't like sleep so i sleep late for like 4to 5 hours.
I flee from family conflict and disagreements i don't deal.Everytime i take some good amount of alcohol i get emotional and end up isolting myself and cry.I get triggered to emotional breakdowns often.
My mum passed on almost 2 years before dad also through cancer and when i seat in a quite space i still here the voice of my brothers wife delivering the bad news to me.
A weak a go i helped a friend take his mum to hospital but whe she was put in the backseat of the car the whole episode of the last time i saw my mum being put in the back seat which was the last time i saw her alive played back and i was unable to drive,i started shaking and broke down to an emotional emotional breakdown crying and it shocked me .How can i deal with this and live a normal life again
I am so so so sorry you're going through something this horrible. I really mean it. Ever since I read this comment my heart has broke in pieces. I hope life gets better and easier for you.