Bonga

I am 20 and I feel like I want to commit sicide each and every day. I am the last birn of a fam of three, each person in my family tells me I have a problem and I should fix it.. I know I don't have a prob inspie of my elder siblings wanting to step on me but I don't let them, I've been viewing YouTube videos and reading books to know they are scapegoating me. My mum recently has been ill and she was admitted to hospital she's home now tho when she was still there my two sisters were literally attacking me on diff occasions of which I think were totally unnecessary. My mum is now home and she doesn't appreciate anything I do to help her feel comfortable. When I'm tired and askfor a sec she takes me through guilt trips. She is so narcissistic and sucks the life out of me. I feel like she's making me pay for everything shehas done for me. And shetakes every little chanceshe gets to tell the whole world about my shortcomings. When she notices I don't give her attention she withdraws giving me the simplest of things like airtime. I go to uni far enough to live on my own and I am honestly thinking my fam does not have my best interst at heart. I just want to die or go far enough to never see them again. When she's good she's good but its awful wjen she's bad. 

  Published  4th Sep 2018 at 12:40 pm

i have suicidal thoughts everyday too. i dont know how to fix it either,my family doesnt know. they wouldnt understand. today its particulary hard but im hanging in there. ive promised never to do it. i plan on sticking to my promise.

  Published  6th Sep 2018 at 4:07 am

Me too, I have a razor under my pillow. I sometimes wish I could slit my wrist at night so that my family could realise just how much they push me to the wall when they wake up in the morning and findmy matress soaking wet in blood. 

  Published  8th Sep 2018 at 10:02 pm

i use to have a notebook that i would write all my problems and ways that would be best to kill myself. i got the idea from a movie. i came close to doing it one day. i wanted to jump off a building. and i stood at that window and thought about my life. i realized i was giving up without a fight. yes life was hard yes i was going through things i did not quite understand and i am still dealing with things i do not quite get. the expectations and all. but at that moment standing twelve floors high i realized that i had something to live for, me! if i was not going tolive for anything else i this world i would live for myself.you are all that matters and peple might not see when they are pushing you hard agaist the wall but the most important thing is to learn how to let that pain be your teacher. appreciate it and let it break you then learn from that and let the same pain mold you into a new person. a stronger person who can take over the entire world if you wanted to. i cannot say that i have everything i wished for during my worst days, but i can confidently say that i am slowly getting there. it has bee one hell of a fight yes, and i am proving peple wrong even my old self. most are te times we fight so hard to get approval from other people and we forget to love ourselves and being kind to ourselves.charity begings at home i love that phrase because it reminds me to be the best version of myself that i can be. so love yourselves guys and believe in yourselves and what you want to do or achieve. have dreams of better days for the sake of yourselves and the friends that you are going to meet in the future and your children so that you can one day tell as story of how you made it out of hell. dont give up so easily, it is what everyone expects. people get satisfaction from saying they knew you could not take life. dont give it to them. live my friends, live. and remember that ou are amazing and awesome and that whatever you are going through it will pass, and and it will leave behind a kinder person who is strong and understands th true meaning of being alive.

  Published  10th Sep 2018 at 10:27 am