Bonga

I just recently realized that I'm in a toxic relationship with my wife of 7 years. Whenever we have a disagreement, she feigns psychotic episodes, depression or sometimes suicidal tendencies. As the loving husband I dropped everything and took care of her. I even called an ambulance once and ended up being a suspect of domestic violence from the hospital staff. I usually retreat to taking care of her apparent "weak emotional state".

Most of these fights stemmed from past lady friends texting her about us meeting, sexting etc and she shares the screenshots with me before arguments break out. I always asked her to not delete these messages when they send them but she always says that she deletes them because she's distraught or something. Thing is, I dont remember doing the things these alleged texts infer, and whenever I reached out to these ladies for answers, they act clueless which got me more confused than angry. I always took my wife's word over theirs and I've ended up blocking and cutting off their friendships. Now that I burnt those bridges, I thought the fights would stop, but they never did. It always went back to one issue or another from my past. And every single time, she goes into one of her "episodes", however nowadays and just sit and wait it out when she's there claiming 'she cant breathe' or 'she's dying' etc, I'm no longer fazed by these things as they are now a cycle.

Aside from that, my wife stopped having sex with me months ago and whenever I asked her about it she always gave me some vague reason ranging from "I'm tired" to "I'm afraid of getting pregnant"...smh. I have resorted to sleeping on the couch or working through the night. Back in the day when we were okay, if I dozed off on the seat she would come wake me up and I'd go to sleep, but now she just sneaks in, goes through my phone (probably to look for more reasons to fight), then goes back to sleep. I recently had an issue with my phone and as it was being repaired, I had to use one of the old phones in the house that she used to use. I found out that she had created a whatsapp profile in that phone in the name of one of the alleged lady friends I was allegedly sexting. SHE MADE IT ALL UP...sending incriminating messages to her phone and taking screenshots and showing them to me that they came from other women!!!

Long, story short, I think she is psychotic and unhealthy for me. Unfortunately I also think that outright leaving her will also be harmful to her as she might do something stupid or dangerous. I have two children that I absolutely love and she's a good mother to them, but I no longer want to stay in this relationship. How do I go about it for those who have been through the same situation.

  Published  2nd Jan 2020 at 12:34 pm
Joseph KinyanjuiCounseling Psychologist
Hi. Thanks for sharing in such details.  It seems to me like you really wanted to make your marriage work.  You have made an effort, e.g. 'burning your bridges' and cutting off all your earlier liaisons.  It seems to me like you really do care abut your wife.  What I find puzzling is why she resorts to feigning illness rather than coming out and saying what is worrying her.  After living together for seven years, should the two of you have some rapport with  depth in your relationship to be able to talk to each other without resorting to these manipulative techniques?  Is this how she has always been?  You say you have two children whom you love and she is a good mother.  When you separate, it is bound to impact your kids. 
My suggestion is that the two of you  explore the possibility of going for couple therapy.  It will teach you how to communicate honestly with each other.  It may teach both of you to trust each other. It may even deepen your relationship.  Do you think this will work?  
Having invested seven years of your life in this relationship, don't you think separation should come when you have tried all other options?
  Published  2nd Jan 2020 at 8:06 pm

She wasn't always like this. However there were undertones of such behavior by some outbursts or comments but I always thought she might be overreacting or just plain angry. I am open to the idea of couple's therapy. I just hope it's going to be with it in the end and that she's willing to do it too. Do you have any leads or point me in the right direction?

  Published  3rd Jan 2020 at 12:54 pm