Bonga

I’m scared about everything. I’m scared about going to work, staying alone at home, hanging out with friends, visiting with my family, not visiting with my family, getting things I want done, not getting things done. I know enough to know what to tell myself. Pep talks, stress coping strategies, trying to reframe things, changing my thought contents etc. My goodness I’m even scared of accepting friendship requests on Facebook. I have over 200 requests sitting there making me sweat. But I’ve been fighting this for over 20 years. I’m scared I’ll never change. I’ll never be self confident. I look at people stepping out in confidence either in chatting or in work places or on social media and I’m seriously baffled. I wish to God I could slip into someone’s mind when they’re marketing themselves and believing in themselves and being confident. I want to see that. I want to get that and have some of that. Because of how scared I am of everything, I am frequently boring to people in the long term. I can’t sustain a relationship longer than a couple of months. I miss opportunities at work coz I second and fifth guess myself for too long. I’m too scared to tell any of my friends or family how scared I am because it’ll just sound like I’m whining. 

And I’m even too scared to go for therapy. 

I don’t like myself. I’ve tried changing my self talk and focus on what’s good in my life and focus on what’s good about me. Objectively I know I have friends and family who like some things about me but I’m terrified they’ll wake up and realize I’ve been trash all this time. And when people drift away from me a part of me feels relieved for them. Like they’ve dodged a fatally boring and ultimately useless-to-their-lives bullet. I’ve been to therapy before. It was all very unhelpful. 

  Published  25th Sep 2018 at 4:58 pm

I have similar  experiences. I am unemployed despite being very well educated. I know I need to find work, but I can’t sell myself well to get one. People tell me how intelligent and brilliant I am. I mostly see failure and rejection. It makes me sad. So I over-eat,  I want to sleep all day and night. I even get tired of sleeping too. I bite my nails, and involve myself in many destructive habits that make it worse.

In those moments, I open my laptop, and watch something silly- Spongebob, Pink Panther, Tom and Jerry. And those characters remind me that it is ok to be weak and vulnerable. You sound like a great person. Find something that makes you happy always.    Smile at the silly things they say. Then take a long bath, and face the world again.

  Published  25th Sep 2018 at 8:40 pm

everyone  feels like trash secretely and a faker. You are not alone

  Published  27th Sep 2018 at 6:30 pm