I read through other peoples comments and have realised that I have to deal with me before its too late. Am 20, a first year student at a dream university doing a course I never had in mind. I dont even remember the last time i went to class and dont feel like bringing it up with my parents. I dont want to mess this up. I lost a brother, never got over it ten years latter. I have an AMAZING and suppportive girlfriend with the sizzling body of a model. That kind of girl when youu see you cant believe she is yours. I was with her in highschool and we started dating afterwards...its been 5 months know...met her once though...this weekend...I think II love her too much that it makes me want to run away...i know its wierd but am just bieng honest...This world aint exactly what my heart expected either...you cant be wha you want to be...nothing is fair...the shrink you go to is kinda insignificant...my parents travel alot and am living with an aunt that pisses me off...i wish she knew...ooh...i forgot to mention...i have a feeling my girl friend is a lesbian...sooooo i dont know how this will work out...i believe in God...its just that i feel like I rust him less...I have HBP at my age sooooo.....i dont get why??...i hope i die before i get a job...its kinda been my dream since i was a kid...i hope i will go somewhere better...somewhere i can restart...the reason being that after everything I still dont feel like I have a reason to Live yet... I dont want that decission to be made by an employer or a parent...the only thing am scared off is no one will come to my funeral as a person who really knew me...someone who understood...someone who wont cry because everyone else is...or has to.
i feel you bro
My name is Andy, a young person, slightly older than you are, so I believe we speak the same languege. To tell you the truth, am not here to advise you, no one can really wear the shoes you are in right now. But am here to ask you to just listen to me, and I will not sound like your paros or teachers or anything, I will sound like a distant anonymous voice, shouting "Wait."
Some time back, I was in worse shoes that you are in now. Fighting addictions, parents who never took their time to understand me, a damn gorgeous girl I always thought it was unfair for me to have, joblessness with relatives who gave no shit and actually made sure that they lock all possible doors for me...man, I was beaten, and I contemplated suicide, not once, many many times. I researched on ways to kill myself, tried writing my own obituary...I was going crazy.
Sad thing is, alcohol never made me drunk. I had drunk so much mpaka it wouldnt make any difference whether I was sober or not. Funny thing is, I was totally depressed but nobody knew, or nobody cared for that matter. I drew painful marks on me, scars I still bear. Until one day...
I thought about this whole thing. I qustioned myself and questioned God even bitterly. Eventually, I saw what I was doing; being mean to myself.
I discovered in that instant that I have been doing all this wrongly. I have been thinking its about 'them' and never stops to think that if I lose this life within me, the world will still throb on. They will straddle on my grave, grass will grow, a few memories from friends and family then I will fizzle out, just like I never existed. And when I lost my best friend, I saw life for what it was; good if you think so and bad and cruel if you think so.
Long story short, I am still fighting some of the addictions I had long ago such as masturbation, drugs, sex and alcohol. Howevor, I decided to ditch all my former friends and even joined a great church early this year. And now, I advise young guys like me who are in the deep end.
Bottom line is, dont give up, If you are in a course that you really dont want, tell your parents you are quiting! Never mind how they will react man, its your life. Ask them to support you do what you love best and if they dont want, so be it. If your girl is a lesbian and she loves you, ride on man, lesbianism is her struggle not yours. Dying aint an option, ask me now, I know better. There is just so much to live for man. Then you mentioned God, and let me tell you one thing about Him; He has a purpose for you. Here I am talking to you and telling you not to go North, if I had taken the rope 6 years ago, I wouldnt be here, right? Tell you what, am here because I want you to one be here for someone else. For a young bro, struggling to get out of the mess. Dead men dont tell tales bro.
Reach out, imma hold you up young bro, I care about you, though I dont know you. True story!!